You've captured my Heart...

Year 25

2011-05-19T19:24:00.001+01:00

A year when I'll stop living for self...

What will I tell Him?

2011-05-17T18:38:00.001+01:00

It's almost midnight. Another year will be gone. The end of my time on earth draws close.
I eagerly get the books where the accounts of my life is written. I flip to the most recent page and I see the bottom line in red - I've put my life in a heavy deficit. My heart skips a beat or more. Tears form in my eyes. They begin to pour the moment I realise the trouble I'm in - What will I tell Him?
I turn the pages of the book back to the previous years. I see lots of losses I made but they are nothing compared to today's bottom line. What will I tell Him? How could I have strayed this far from the goal?
I turn to run. Run so far away that I won't hear the sound of His approaching footsteps. I cannot give an account; I've wasted all. As I take the first leap, I hear the sound of His gentle voice calling my name. I know He's close by. I tremble as the thought of facing him crosses my mind. I quicken my pace. The farther I move, the fainter His voice becomes. I smile in false victory. One more step and I would hear His voice no more. As I move my legs to take this step, I hear Him faintly but clearly - "You may no longer hear me, but when I come you'll give account". I stop. I don't know what to do. I consider for a minute. If I take this step, I'll no longer hear His voice, I'll be ruled by my desires that put me in this position in the first place and I'll still give an account of what's in the books. If I don't take the step, the sound of His coming footsteps will be loud in my ears; I'll toil very hard to turn the accounts around before He gets here. I will certainly fail and I will end up losing both ways - I won't experience the joy of being ruled by my desires and I won't experience the joy of His acceptance.
I cry like a baby. I feel so alone. What will I do? What will I tell Him? I'm condemned to an eternity of misery. I hear Him call my name again. I hear Him say - "You can start again. I'll wipe away the records, just ask Me to". With a tearful voice, I cry out - I'll only fail again. I look again in the direction of His footsteps. I feel strength in my bones. I hear Him say - "You cannot please me with your own efforts. You'll only magnify your losses. Don't take your eyes off me and I'll guide you till I come".
I choose to follow His words. I call on Him wipe the records. The pages of the book is blank. We write a new book together.

I am no longer the sheep who thinks he knows where he's going. I follow my Shepherd - the Good Shepherd who gives me
eternal life, and ensures that I shall never perish.

Year 24

2010-05-19T07:52:00.000+01:00

My life today is so much different from what it was a year ago. I'm singing a new song. The future seems clearer yesterday than it is today. I do not have a complete picture of the coming year yet. I sense a hunger. This is why this is my year of great yearning. I do not know how far this hunger will propel me but I know it will be present with me until a great change happens.
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Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock!

2009-12-30T10:58:00.000+01:00

It will all be over soon. The hair will grey and all that will be left are memories - memories of a yesterday, memories of a today and memories of a tomorrow that can be changed now. The young life is already filled with this much regrets. Yet, rather than learn from the past, he perpetuates his mistakes into the future. The foundation of his mistakes is his disposition to avoid risk. He forgets that wise saying of Helen Keller that life is either a daring adventure or nothing. He refuses to learn from those that have gone before him that they've always regretted what they did not do. He forgets that he only has one shot at life and this is it. He fails to hear the ticking of the clock. He doesn't see the fast approaching graveyard. He is so lost in indecision and fear. He is worse than a caged animal cos his prison is of his own design and making. He still has that chance to make tomorrow beautiful. The chance to write a beautiful story he will tell tomorrow. The chance to make life an unforgettable adventure. The chance to be what he wants to be and if he doesn't become that, the chance to have that satisfaction that against all odds he strove to achieve. Will he take that chance?

Our lives on the altar of risk aversion

2009-09-27T09:38:00.001+01:00

...the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.
Dreams, love and life have all being sacrificed on the altar of risk aversion. It feels safer to do nothing than to take that risk. Life passes by while we watch and envy those whose fears are as real as ours but had the courage to face their fears. Our today is spent in regret thinking of what could have been yesterday. We try to find solace in principles and religions with no foundation. Our excuse for inaction becomes 'the will of God'. At death, we eventually realise the inexistence of our footprints on the sand of time.

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Lovely words from Dr. King

2009-08-18T10:12:00.001+01:00

"I say to you, this morning, that if you have never found something so dear and precious to you that you will die for it, then you aren't fit to live.
You may be 38 years old, as I happen to be, and one day, some great opportunity stands before you and calls upon you to stand for some great principle, some great issue, some great cause. And you refuse to do it because you are afraid.
You refuse to do it because you want to live longer. You're afraid that you will lose your job, or you are afraid that you will be criticized or that you will lose your popularity, or you're afraid that somebody will stab or shoot or bomb your house. So you refuse to take a stand.
Well, you may go on and live until you are ninety, but you are just as dead at 38 as you would be at ninety.
And the cessation of breathing in your life is but the belated announcement of an earlier death of the spirit.
You died when you refused to stand up for right.
You died when you refused to stand up for truth.
You died when you refused to stand up for justice."
-Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.
From the sermon "But, If Not" delivered at Ebenezer Baptist Church on November 5, 1967.

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Walking in snow without leaving a trace

2009-08-16T11:09:00.001+01:00

I'm in church trying hard not to sleep. Jordin Sparks with the title of this post was singing about a guy who probably had no impact on her life. Anytime I listen to the song, I'm reminded of our journey on earth. Many of us spend life walking in snow without leaving a mark. We are supposed to leave a mark, touch someone's life and leave life a better place. We spend time chasing shadows only to realise like that rich man in the bible that what we chase to gather whose shall it be?
Time to pray. I managed to stay awake.

I can afford to fail

2009-08-05T12:35:00.001+01:00

Some say you are still a youth until you are 40. I think you remain a youth till the day you get married. Until then, I have no responsibility to anyone else. I can afford to engage in high risk ventures and accept "sole" responsibility for that risk. I can afford to fail and choose to learn from the failures. It is what
I know but I do not do. This is the time for me to take chances, to make mistakes and to fail but what stops me? I believe someone once said something like the size of your success depends on the size of your failures. The bigger your failures, the bigger your success. Unfortunately, I have conditioned myself to be extremely risk averse that a chance at success will not be taken because of the risk of failure. I can afford to fail now. I should just take that chance, pursue that dream and accept responsibility for my future.

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In the name of "God"...

2008-10-15T16:37:00.001+01:00

I have been thinking for sometime about this. I was talking to a friend about 3 weeks ago and she was writing her semester exams then. She unfortunately told me that the carried prepared answers aka chips into the exam hall and she added a statement that has been troubling me for some time now, God did not allow them catch her. This unfortunately is someone who will complain if I fail to go to church.

Nigeria is filled with so many churches that are preaching the bible in different forms. Our politicians are so quick to invoke the name of God instead of accept responsibilities for their actions. Yahoo boys and 419ers (fraudsters) are comfortable doing thanksgiving in church for the wealth "God" has sent their way. Churches feel important depending on the caliber of politicians that attend the church. They tell us to take our problems to God and we do. Yet certain individuals receive the answers to our problems, steal it and then say it came from "God". This reminds me of Shakespeare's words, " Our remedies oft in ourselves do lie, which we ascribe to Heaven". We are so comfortable shifting blames. I remember former President Olusegun Obasanjo's statement that we should leave our power problem to "God".

I wish we will just accept responsibility for all our failures, inactions. I wish we will stop associating the name of God with that which is evil...

I am scared!!!

2008-10-09T20:41:00.001+01:00

What if the future I envisioned never materializes? What if all I have believed was a lie? What if it all ends suddenly?

Each day the world around me looks so bleak. The hope of a better future fades with every ticking second. The only satisfaction I now get is in losing the hope I tightly held to and being pessimistic. Every man seems only interested in himself and I feel I'm becoming like every body else, looking out for myself alone, trying to receive without giving. Religion once granted me succour but now I look at the religious around me and all I can yell is hypocrite of which I feel like one. I don't know what will satisfy me. I don't know what will take the fear away. I don't even know if the fear will ever go away. I wish I could have a confident expectation of a brighter tomorrow. I wish I could be optimistic about everything. I wish I could laugh my fears away. But I can't. I wake up each day with a realization that another day is gone.

Inspite of these, I have not lost hope totally. I feel in my heart a strong word; you are not the first to experience a wilderness situation, where everything seems dry and unfruitful. Your wilderness experience is only toughening you up for the heavier challenges you will face tomorrow. Don't give up. God has a plan.

Nigeria: The Giant that never was

2008-09-18T20:09:00.001+01:00

I once thought Nigeria will be great but I do not hold that thought anymore. I reflect on issues that have occurred in the past and are occurring now. Who really cares about Nigeria? Is it the Niger Delta militants that kidnap foreigners and collect hefty ransoms for their personal gains as well as arm poverty stricken people with wrong set of ideals sending them to their early graves? Is it the president who is obviously unable to adequately perform his official duties because of a life threatening illness he denies? Is it the legislators who demand a lunch allowance of 114000naira (950USD) per day while the minimum wage remains 7500naira (63USD) per month? Is it the oil companies that have raped our lands and given nothing in return? Is it the banks that have employed our youths and underutilized them, turning University graduates into glorified salesmen? Is it the people of the land who will mill around politicians distributing bread and money and sell their conscience for peanuts? Is it the churches that demand in the name of God questionable donations for grand projects that will help only the image of the church? Is it the mosques that are ready to brainwash their army of faithfuls to kill at the slightest provocation? Is it the religious who carry their religion for the whole world to see but lack character? Is it the people of the land who refuse to pay taxes? Is it the government who inspite of record setting oil prices have nothing to show for their leadership? The people of Nigeria has collectively failed Nigeria and we should bow our heads in shame. Nobody cares anymore, every man to himself.
I wish tears were easy for me to shed so I can shed them for Nigeria. Where are all the men who stood up and challenged the government to act in the past? They are either old, dead or have chosen the lesser path of compromise. I would have loved to end this by saying Nigeria will arise...

Parable of the talents

2008-09-16T13:59:00.002+01:00

Having talent is like having blue eyes. You don't admire a man for the colour of his eyes. I admire a man for what he does with his talent.
~ Michael Caine quotes

I was reminded of Jesus' parable of the talents when I came across the above quote. The story is told of a master who was going on a long journey and gave each of his servants talents and when he came back from his journey he asked for an account of what was done with the talent. The first servant said he got five talents and made five extra more, the second got two talents and made two extra more while the third got a talent and buried it.
I developed an hypothetical case in my mind and saw myself as one of the servants and the master has come and is asking me to give account of what he has given me and I felt worse than the lazy one who hid his talent. The lazy man knew he received a talent, knew what it was and decided what to do with it - bury it because of his master was a hard man while for me, I know I have received talents, I do not know what it is and I am not doing anything better with it.
I honestly hope I do something with the talents but I've failed to recognize them.

Kelly Clarkson's prayer

2008-09-01T21:16:00.001+01:00

I've always loved the song Irvine by Kelly Clarkson on My December album but I've never felt like crying the prayer until now.

Are you there?
Are you watching me?
As I lie here on this floor
They say you feel what I do
They say you're here every moment
Will you stay?
Stay 'till the darkness leaves
Stay here with me
I know you're busy, I know I'm just one
But you might be the only one who sees me
The only one to save me
Why is it so hard?
How can't you just take me?
I don't have much to go
Before I fade completely
Can you feel how cold I am?
Do you cry as I do?
Are you lonely up there all by yourself?
Like I have felt all my life
The only one to save mine
How are you so strong?
What's it like to feel so free?
Your heart is really something
Your love, a complete mystery to me
Are you there watching me?
As I lie here on this floor
Do you cry, do you cry with me?
Cry with me tonight
Are you there?
Are you watching me?

Obama or McCain

2008-08-31T21:19:00.001+01:00

If I was an American, I will be torn now between McCain and Obama. Watching and reading about both of them, they both seem like the regular Nigerian politicians that make promises and plans that might never see the light of the day. If I were an American I will read both foxnews and msnbc daily as they've taken sides with McCain and Obama respectively. McCain, a prisoner of war who cheated on his first wife and married the young heir to a huge fortune that misused prescription drugs some years back; a old man who does not know the number of houses he has probably because of memory loss or lack of accountability; a warmonger that better represents the interest of the large oil companies. Obama, a man with a Kenyan father,has a muslim name but a christian, has no experience in leadership position,has a rather brief voting record in the senate, has a rather extremist position on abortion and still trying to prove his patriotism to America; a man who is married to a wife that is considered by some to be prejudiced against whites; a man that is more accepted by the world including terrorist, a man who wants to end all the wars America is involved in, a man who stands on the platform of change unlike McCain who is eager to continue the Bush years. If I were an American, I'll really be torn between these two men. Although I'll lean more towards Obama.

Jekyll and Hyde

2008-08-30T19:37:00.001+01:00

There are moments of insanity; utter madness that I experience. These moments are one I will look back at and be totally ashamed. These are actions that I will deny completely been capable of. The devil in me being expressed. I try to understand why its like that. I could display moments of anger that I never knew I could, be ashamed of it and weeks later the anger comes again. In my moments of sanity, I find no rational explanation for this display. Anger is just one of the displays. Is it that underneath the surface, there is a demon lurking that has its chance to manifest once in a while? Is that the life I lead now is one of pretension and I've suppressed the terrible real me and the real me gets a chance to display and I suppress me again? Am I a 'Dr. Jekyll and Hyde'? Do certain conditions precipitate these actions? I try to understand why but the answers are far from understandable. I once heard a preacher imply that if not for God's restraint we all had the potential to be like Hitler. I want to be free!!!

Where did the smiles go?

2008-08-05T14:57:00.001+01:00

I recollect as a young kid being told I had Chinese eyes because my eyes were almost closed anytime I smiled and I was always smiling. I remember being playful and fun loving.
I'm all grown up now. The smiles have disappeared. My face is set in a permanent frown. What happened? Where did the smiles go?
I imagine myself in space looking at the six billion people on earth and I see smiling faces with issues worse than anything I have faced and I ask myself what reason do I have not to smile. I feign a smile as I write but I feel like a fraud.
And now I understand why. I have unfortunately made my source of happiness external instead of internal. I've chosen to derive my joy from the gifts and pleasures the world brings my way rather than from being who I am. The absence of these pleasures and gifts gives me no reason to smile. I'll learn to wake up each day and appreciate the little things around me that I've taken for granted. I will learn to appreciate myself as I am. May these give me a cause to smile

A Dream that Never Was

2008-07-30T18:24:00.001+01:00

"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams." Eleanor Roosevelt

It was a beautiful dream. A dream that saw me and her together. A dream where she became my everything. It was a dream with a happy ending, a dream whose time was definitely going to come in my dreams. It was a dream that was satisfying to dwell upon. It was just a dream. It had nothing to do with reality.

Reality was she was committed to someone else. Reality was to her I could not be more than a friend. Reality was I had a whole lot in front of me that she could not just be a priority for me in the next 1 year.

I've resigned myself to studying as hard as I can so that even if my dream of her never comes true, the one that sees me being on top will.

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend...

2008-06-08T21:32:00.001+01:00

I did something today that I have been putting off for a while, i went through my blog. Some of what I saw got me wondering what was going through my head when I wrote it. I came to 2005 and I saw some poems and posts about one of the few girls in this world I cherish and I was saddened because even though I still cherish her in my heart, we've grown apart. I began to ask myself, like that famous The Fray song; How to save a life, where did I go wrong? Was our separation inevitable or could I have done something to keep the fire of friendship still burning? Is it expected that the feelings we have for friends change with time? I cannot confidently say I know the answers to these questions but these words that I saw in one of my posts about her still rings true to me;

We cannot be together,

But we'll never be apart,

For no matter what life brings us,

You're always in my heart.

God bless and keep her wherever she is.

This Rat Race

2008-06-05T10:52:00.001+01:00

It’s like we are all under a spell running after different things we sometimes sum up as fulfillment only to die. Warren Buffet, the world’s richest man, will be dead soon – his wealth goes nowhere with him. Even if he gives the bulk of his wealth to charity, the beneficiaries will eventually die. Life to me is a futile attempt to have what you cannot keep. Why do we bother to do anything if it will all be taken from us? Why do we hurt others to gain only to lose by dying? Why do we hope for a better tomorrow when tomorrow we will be dead? If our hope is for our children, they will be dead too someday. I have thought for sometime what is it that matters most in life and I have come to no conclusion. The nearest I came to was love and even acts of love will eventually be forgotten yet love still remains the best thing to invest our lives in. 2 days ago, I stumbled on a story about a young US soldier that was being awarded a posthumous medal of honor for giving his life for his friends. I try to imagine what went through that young man’s heart as he flung himself on the grenade putting an end to all his hopes and dreams and giving his other colleague the opportunity to keep hoping and dreaming. Isn’t that love? Even when the ultimate form of love is displayed, there is still a futility in life. Only one life we’ve got it will soon be past!!! It’s tragic then I believe that most of us live our lives chasing wealth and fame that has no eternal value. No one deserves to suffer on this short journey called life and I feel our lives will be better spent if we try to make this journey pleasant for as many as possible.

If Tomorrow Never Comes

2008-06-03T10:34:00.002+01:00

Something which I do not know crossed my mind and I just felt like writing on if tomorrow never comes. I did a Google search on the topic cos it sounded familiar to me and I came up with this song by Ronan Keatin originally performed by Garth Brooks titled if tomorrow never comes. The message that came to my heart are in the lyrics of this song although there's no she yet...the "she" for me means all those I love.

Sometimes late at night
I lie awake and watch her sleeping
She's lost in peaceful dreams
So I turn out the lights and lay there in the dark
And the thought crosses my mind
If I never wake up in the morning
Would she ever doubt the way I feel
About her in my heart
If tomorrow never comes
Will she know how much I loved her
Did I try in every way
To show her every day
That she's my only one
If my time on earth were through
And she must face this world without me
Is the love I gave her in the past
Gonna be enough to last
If tomorrow never comes.
'Cause I've lost loved ones in my life
Who never knew how much I loved them
Now I live with the regret
That my true feelings for them never were revealed
So I made a promise to myself
To say each day how much she means to me
And avoid that circumstance
Where there's no second chance
To tell her how I feel
If tomorrow never comes
Will she know how much I loved her
Did I try in every way
To show her every day
That she's my only one
If my time on earth were through
And she must face this world without me
Is the love I gave her in the past
Gonna be enough to last
If tomorrow never comes
So tell that someone that you love
Just what you're thinking of
If tomorrow never comes

Spoilt laptop charger

2008-05-31T17:44:00.001+01:00

In line with my objective to make year 22 a year when the giant within me shall awake and take giant strides, I've began to take steps that I should have taken long ago but stalled. One of them is Cisco Certified Networking Administrator (CCNA) which is one of the four certifications I intend to obtain within the next one year. I've begun studying for it over the past week and something unfortunate just happened. The Power Holding Company of Nigeria who have not given me electricity in days decided to provide electricity when I was sleeping. They provided an extremely high current that destroyed my bulbs and the most unfortunate for me, my laptop charger (I hope the laptop board has not been affected). I had left my laptop charging before I switched off the generator and did not bother to unplug it. This ruined my reading plans for the CCNA and to make matters worse, I'm broke so I cannot get a new charger soon. I decided to take a gamble and I'm hoping it pays off - I dropped the charger with a local electronics guy and he claims he could fix it for a fraction of the cost to get a new one. I hope he does and hope he does not fix it in a way that will shorten the life span of the laptop board.

As I was taking a walk to drop off the charger, I met the brother of friend who died sometime ago and this got me thinking on the walk. She was such a nice girl and we just lost contact for a while because she was always so busy and then I heard of her death. As I write this, I'm picturing her face with a sad heart and her unique voice is ringing in my head. I came to the conclusion as I took the walk down that death could come at anytime and I had to make the most of life. And the question popped out in my head that how do I make the most of life? Is it by giving myself to pleasures and enjoyments? I could not really answer these questions because I don't think I've really enjoyed life based on my assessment and the assessment of my friends. I don't really go out, I've been single as long as I can remember... The word's that John Piper learned as a kid came into my head as I took that walk and it goes, "Only one life, it will soon be past. Only what's done for Christ will last." I asked myself again how have I lived for Christ. I came to the final conclusion that I'm doing myself a great disservice by not experiencing the beauty of life as well as not living for Christ. I hope in year 22 this gets to change.

My Statement of Belief

2008-05-30T17:18:00.001+01:00

I've been faced with doubt and sometimes faith seems to be non existent - feeling hopeless. I do ask myself what I believe about God and sometimes my answers do not sound as confident as I will like them to sound. I do remember a word by Dr Jim Berg of Bob Jones University, USA, that a person acts consistently with what he believes to be true about God. I've decided to make a written statement of my beliefs to reinforce within what I believe.

I believe in God and I believe He has a plan for everyone. I believe in the trinity, God the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit and these three are one. I believe Jesus is God who came in the flesh to earth thousands of years back and laid down his life for my sins. I believe I'm saved not because the Roman soldiers beat up Jesus or because of the nails that pierced His hands but because He bore my sins and was crushed by God for my sake. I believe the full price of my sins has been paid in Christ. I believe in justification. I believe in salvation as a free gift from God offered to all men that they may be saved. I believe that salvation is a work of God and He that started a good work will complete it - I do not believe a truly saved person can lose his salvation. I believe in the existence of the devil and demons and I believe they have no power over me except that which I give them. I believe sin ruins our relationship with God and every truly saved person will kill and be killing the sin in his life.

My beliefs have mostly being formed by listening to men of God like Pastor John Piper and Paul Washer explain the word of God. I believe in a lot of things but I'm finding it difficult to put them into words. I might add more with time.

Prophetic Outlook - Year 22

2008-05-20T08:45:00.001+01:00

I do remember the first day of every year in my church, the pastor spends an hour or so giving his prophetic outlook for that year; they fairly turn out true. This is the second day for me on my 22nd year on earth and I am going to give a prophetic outlook for my life for year 22:

This is a year of outstanding achievements when I will experience favor from left, right and the center.

I will obtain that job that will propel my career

It's a year when strangers shall applaud my success and friends will be proud to be associated with me

It's a year when I will develop that idea that will transform my life and that of many

A year where my courage will outshine my fears and my confidence will shine forth

It's a year of victory - victory professionally, spiritually, financially, academically and socially

It's a year when I will get what I desire and desire what I get

It's a year when I will be immune to the economic downturn around me

A year when my broken wings shall heal and I shall fly to the highest top

A year of excellence, courage, determination and victory

A year when I won't back down, refuse no for an answer and get the best I deserve

I'm certain to face a lot of challenges this year but if there is anything I'm sure of, it is this - I will overcome any challenge boldly and not suffer it to frighten me.

It is also customary in my church on the first day of each year to have a watchword for that year. This is my own watchword for year 22; A year when the giant within me shall awake and take giant strides.

...Someone say amen to these

Saying I love you...

2008-05-17T17:21:00.000+01:00

What's the big deal in saying I love you? I don't think those 3 words together have ever slipped out of my mouth before to anyone. I admit I have typed it over messenger but I have never looked someone in the face and declare my love including to my mum. I have this feeling it will never come out right the first time I will ever say it; I will be looked at as faking it and being insincere even if I probably mean it. What's so special in saying I love you? I'm of the opinion that it is part of the African nature to be unable to declare love no matter how innocent to anyone. I cannot recollect ever seeing a Nigerian mum or dad tell her kid I love you or even a Nigerian kid saying I love you to her mum or dad - for a kid raised in Nigeria (I've actually seen a Nigerian kid say I love you to her mum but that was in UK). This eventually spills over to our adulthood and we find it so difficult to express our love for the people that matters most to us. I sometimes feel like hugging some of my friends and just telling them how much I do love them or my mum or sisters but I'm sure to feel awkward and even the people I'm declaring my love to will wonder is this guy nuts? I cannot blame the Nigerian culture for my inability or my perceived inability to say I love you cos I can say it. I need to say it to someone, I want to say it to someone.

....A simple I love you means more than money....
~ by Frank Sinatra ~

Setting myself up for disappointment?

2008-05-16T20:24:00.000+01:00

This is quite unlike what I am used to writing. Some days back, I was having a discussion with a friend and I made the statement that I will be honest and faithful to any girl I date because I expect to date one who is honest and faithful. I was surprised to be laughed at and called naive. For the next 20 minutes he lectured me on why I was wrong. He said I had a mind set that made girls angels when none of them is. He told me it's a common thing for a girl to double date and girls are horrible liars. It was better if I looked at girls as unfaithful and dishonest and be lucky to find one that does not fit that description rather than intentionally set myself up for disappointment by looking for an angel in a world of demons. I ponder the wisdom in these statements and I have come to some conclusions. I'm not an angel I'm sure, I'm as bad as everyone else but I believe the main ingredients of a relationship are honesty, trust and faithfulness. If these are lacking, then what's the point of any relationship. I do not expect an angel out of anyone neither am I entering any relationship to give myself headaches and heartaches. Is there any truth in his statements? From my knowledge of relationships which is quite limited, I've seen more of girls who are actually "stupid" rather than "sharp" as my friend puts it. I say stupid because the guys they are with are obvious cheats, liars and care little about them but they can't leave him and complain behind his back. It seems we all don't know what we want. I do honestly hope I'm not setting myself up for disappointment. To be continued...

Tick Tock...Tick Tock...Tick Tock

2008-05-15T19:13:00.002+01:00

As another year of my life rolls away, I ask what have I done with my life. I'm somehow preoccupied with how my life turns out in future. I spend time contemplating about my future rather than acting on it. Who's life have I influenced? Who's life have I touched? Haven't I being selfish and self centred? 4 days from now I'll be 22, where am I heading to? I want a future that will see me helping other people, a future that will see me committing my time and money to turning the fortune of others around. How do I intend to acheive that when I'm not successful? Can't my life be better than this? Most of these questions have obvious answers to me but the question still remains what do I do? Brian Tracy, Jack Canfield, Napoleon Hill, Earl Nightingale...can all teach me what to do but do I do it? It is one thing to know what to do, it is another thing to actually do it. I hear the clock going tick tock tick tock, another second, minute, hour, day, week, month and year gone. Time is flying by and I'm guilty of wasting it. I've been a poor steward of the time allocated to me. Tick Tock...Tick Tock...Tick Tock and I'm 22. I need to wake up from my deep slumber...God help me

Chains and Change

2008-03-14T15:59:00.002+01:00

Taking a look at the quality of my life, I desire to constantly change - change the way I think, change the way I talk, change the way I relate to others, change the way I look at myself, change the way I handle money. I constantly scream change! change!! change!!! But why does everything look the same? Why does it seem the only thing I am not doing is change?
There comes the chains... There's a pattern I'm used to. I have for myself a comfort zone that I don't want to leave even though that comfort zone has become a torture chamber. I have set up chains that hinder my change. Is there a way out I cry? Yeah there is but what will it require from me?
I believe it's time I stop being risk averse. I cannot continue living life on the "safe side" or what I consider to be the "safe side". I cannot continue to refuse to experience life because I'm scared of the many uncertainties of the results of a certain action. I cannot continue to let life choose it's pathway for me, I have to create mine. I have to change what I need to change. This brings to my mind the Serenity Prayer which was hung on the wall in my house when I was a kid,

"God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen."

--Reinhold Niebuhr

I do lack the courage to change the things I can change and I'm living a life that places side by side the things I can change with those I cannot change causing me to live a stagnant life.

Would I deal with these chains or would I choose to remain a slave. I remember a line I heard when I was younger from Dr D. K. Olukoya which went something like, "slaves who love their chains will remain in bondage". Based on the preceding statement, I'm looking at the concept of change as it refers to me in 2 ways: The first is I love the way I am/I feel comfortable with the way I am and that's why my attempts to change are ineffective while the second is I detest the way I am not and I'm making changes but I'm blind to the changes that have occurred because they do not occur in the scale I want them to. I'll want to believe the second and that means I look critically at areas of my life and seek places that I've improved upon no matter how small it is and commend myself on these areas to stimulate me to make further changes.

The chain is almost broken, every aspect of me is about to experience a wonderful change...so help me God.

Asha - Fire on the mountain

2008-02-23T12:03:00.003+01:00

I have not really being a fan of Nigerian music because I rarely get to listen to music that move me rather I keep hearing a combination of slangs that are obscene. I recently came across Asha's Fire on the mountain and I really liked it. Although it's quite a while it was released, my refusal to get involved with Nigerian music prevented me from having a feel of the music early on. I think I'll start paying more attention to Naija music as long as it is not made by D'Banj or Olu Maintain. Here's the video to Asha's Fire on the Mountain.

2007 in retrospect

2007-12-26T19:35:00.000+01:00

6 days to the end of the year 2007 and I believe it’s time to look back at the events, things I’ve passed through and the people of 2007. 2007 has been a beautiful year in certain ways. I might judge it as the best year of my life so far. I know better things await me but I can’t deny the beauty of this year. I finally graduated from the University of Lagos as a Metallurgical and Materials Engineer and I did not do badly in my grades. Was that the highlight of 2007 for me? I knew I was going to graduate in 2007 so it did not real come to me as special when I graduated. I actually miss my friends. The highlight of 2007 was my trip outside my home country for the first time to UK. When 2007 began, it was just a far away dream and now it’s a reality. 2008 is a few days away and I’m going to see it in London. I think that’s beautiful.

I’m taking a look at different areas of my life and how it fared in 2007

Academics

Graduated from the university with good grades.

Love

Still bankrupt in love. Not had a single relationship yet!

Finances

Still dependent on parents for money – Not good at all

Confidence

Still lacking in that but improving gradually

Career

Still seeking the right career path. It’s not clear yet for me

Religion

Becoming less spiritual…I think that’s wrong?

Friends

Went through my phone contacts now and I found out I just added only 1 new friend in a whole year. I’m ashamed.

Can’t think of more categories now. Would update before the year runs out!!!

On the road to recovery...

2007-11-20T23:21:00.000+01:00

The process of change is a rather difficult one. I have come to accept that the negativity I express, the feelings of gloom and doom need to go. I'm looking now at the things that have hindered me from living life and I hope to tackle each of them.
1. Guilt - There are raging feelings inside of me some of which makes me feel guilt that I have no business feeling. As a christian, I have let my perception of sin hinder me from being free. The guilt I feel from my past stands in my way. I have failed to understand the saving grace of Christ.
2. Fear - I believe fear is the single most important factor that has shaped much of my life. Fear has stood in my way at establishing honest relationships. I fail to speak not because I have nothing to say but because I'm scared of how the person would take it. Fear has stopped me from defending myself even when I'm right. Fear has stopped me from taking steps to improve my financial situation. I feel ashamed when I think of the little I know about my friends because fear has stopped me from asking personal questions. I remember someone I would have loved to be friends with in college but fear stopped me from developing a form of friendship with her.
3. Environment - I feel I'm surrounded with a lot of negativity. Waking up each morning and taking a look at my neighborhood gives me no joy. The expression on the faces of people around is one of frustration. I'm in no way blaming anyone for my response to life as I am 100% responsible for the response I give to the environment. I believe a change in environment would help the process of change for me.
I feel there is still more to why I act the way I do but I hope to work on these three now as well as try to stay positive.
Thanks to those who commented on my blog in the past, it acted as a wake up call.

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Mayor

Deliver me from bitterness...

2007-11-07T07:19:00.001+01:00

If the condition of my heart were left open for all to see, the volume of bitterness you would be exposed to would last a lifetime. Bitterness at my personal failures, bitterness at a world loaded with assholes, bitterness at friends dat can't be depended on, bitterness at my parents for not realising I need their time not their money, bitterness at you reading this because you want to pity me, bitterness at a world driven by fear, bitterness at everything. Can I be a world changer or do I add to its problems? Can I make my influence felt or am I blinded by the senseless pursue of wealth? Can I turn someones life around or do I keep looking for people who are what I should strive to be? Should I give up the fight and conform or should I put up a resistance and be alienated? Should I be a man pleaser or tell the truth without fear or trembling? Should I make compromises or should I strive to be just? Should I settle for whats available or should I go for the best? Am I making unerasable footprints on the sand of time or I wasting divinely allocated time? Would I be proud of my today tomorrow or would I bow my head in shame when I think of yesterday? Hard questions that bother me but what do I do but pray

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Mayor

Is life worth living or death worth dying?

2007-10-28T16:30:00.001+01:00

Life lived the way I live it aint worth living. Is it then worth it to die? What have I given to this world? What impact have I made? The few who have come my way for me to impact their lives, I failed miserably. My life is filled with guilt and sin. I feel useless to my self and to those who call me friends. This is not a self esteem issue. It is more of my failure to achieve, a cry of frustration at my inability to change. I have failed to grab second chances. I have become lost in me. Help seems so far away. Is life worth living?
I decide to throw caution to the wind and live with no regard for life cos I feel helpless and a voice sounds deep in my ears, is death worth dying. This brings to remembrance that saying that goes as long as one lives, there is hope. What hope is there for me? I try to trust in God but my mind tries to comprehend the concept of Him and fails. I try to indulge myself in pleasure but I end up feeling guilty and empty. I try to search for love but I come back with nothing. I end up with the same question, Is life worth living? I see the faces of the ones I have failed. I feel ashamed and disgraced. I hear my own voice within saying you have failed yourself and I feel like running from me. The only escape being death and the voice comes again, isn't a life of hope better than a death of hopelessness? I wish for faith, I wish for strength, I wish for believe, I wish for fear to die. I know I'm in a battle and it's sad that I'm finding it easier to give up than try. Can I stop being who I am? How i wish it were easy. God give me strength to go on!!!!!!!!!

When you say goodbye to love...

2007-10-25T20:51:00.001+01:00

Sad moments come when we have to leave the one we love. Saying goodbye becomes so hard. It hurts to think there would be no more shared times. It hurts to know that you would no longer share a tomorrow. Memories begin to haunt. We begin to wish we did certain things differently. A time of sorrow it surely becomes. We try to hear the voice of reason that it happened for a purpose. Just as the cloud in our head begins to clear, pain tears thru again.
I do not know what I'm writing about or why I'm writing it but deep inside I see a void forming somewhere due to the present changes taking place to me now. Times are changing, God is callin, my heart is tearing apart

Antamedia Cyber Internet Cafe Software and WiFi HotSpot Billing Software

2007-10-19T16:55:00.000+01:00

If your love was all I had in this life

2007-10-04T09:54:00.001+01:00

...that would be enough till the end of time. When would I find the person I could tell those words? When would my heart ever mean those words? Is love like that possible and real? Is love not an illusion created by our constant brooding on the object of our affection? If love is real, why does it die? Even as I desire to love someone, It is foolishness to set myself up for future hurt. Like a veil being torn away so does love disappear.

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Mayor

Without self control

2007-09-30T17:38:00.001+01:00

I am living a life of 'action and regret.' I carry out actions which I do not like and the next moment I'm regretting that I did it. The regrets won't stop me from repeating these actions. WHY? It is still a story of the good I want to do I do not while that which I hate I do. Self control is absent. I won't stop desiring that which is wicked and ungodly but can I control myself to say no to these desires? I've become a slave to these desires and I'm finding it difficult to resist its bidding. This reminds me of drug and cigarette addicts. Inside some do not want to indulge themselves but they've become slaves to their passions and they find themselves doing it again and again no matter how much they resist or say no. Can battles like this ever be won? Can our desperation to change overcome our wicked desires? Who can deliver us from this body of death? Change is what I crave. Transformation is what I desire. Is the price so high I can't afford it? I need change. Help me God. Regrettin my every action hurts me. i shouldn't have done it in the first place!

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Mayor

Easier to try

2007-09-23T08:03:00.001+01:00

It's easier to try than to give up. I do not know how to justify this but I want to believe. All those times I looked away instead of creating a new friendship, all those times I shied away from contracts, all the time I failed to learn that algebra without looking at it, I feel ashamed. Like Carrie Underwood says, sometimes that mountain you're climbing is just a grain of sand, It makes sense to me now to face every challenge without running away. No more fears, no more shyness. I'm waking up my inner giant. I'm on fire. I would rather try than give up as from this second onward. God help me.

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Mayor

Second chance

2007-09-05T06:50:00.001+01:00

Give me a second chance to make that first impression again. Give me a second chance to tell you how I feel about you. Give me a second chance to look into your eyes as you walk by. Give me a second chance to call you friend.
I feel disheartened as I think of the opportunities I lost to make great friendships and relationships and I ask for a second chance

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Mayor

A destination we all share

2007-08-23T15:58:00.000+01:00

Life they say is a journey. The manner we travel through life differs from individual to individual. Yet no matter our achievements, no matter your status in life, we all share a destination - death. Death is life's greatest invention according to Steve Jobs. The old is replaced with the new. The question most important at death would not be what you have been able to acquire but how much have you given. How much of your money, how much of your time, how much of you have you given? We all have an appointment with death at a time we know not. The fact we have limited time demands of us never to walk away from the one we love without telling him or her. I pray when we finally get to that destination we share, we meet at the right side - the side of good, the side of God.

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Mayor

I'm Cheating me

2007-08-16T18:17:00.000+01:00

Where are the words of love formed in my heart that were never spoken? Of what use are they now except to haunt me. Where are the kind words I should have said to make someone's day? They are of no use to me now. The true words of love that I've failed to utter have brought more turmoil to my heart than peace. The hand of friendship that I've failed to extend points accusing fingers at me for cheating me. My mouth that has failed to share smiles has now been set in a tight frown. I've robbed myself of joy, peace and quality friendships. I've become a hazard to myself. I've have no hope anymore in myself cos I can do nothing of my own. I look to God to change my heart

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Mayor

Why?

2007-08-13T15:07:00.001+01:00

For the good I would I do not; but the evil which I would not, that I do - Romans 7: 19.
It is without doubt that Paul's lamentation many years ago as it was true for him is still true today. I find myself in a trap. What to do for my deliverance is obvious to me yet I do it not. I am crying out like Paul did in later verse in that chapter; Who would deliver me from this body of death? As time progresses, this body tends to death. If I fail to do that which must be done when it must be done and I engage in that which needs not be done at all, I'm setting myself up for a life of regrets. Thank God that Paul concluded that through Jesus he can serve God. I strongly believe that it is only God that can help me.

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Mayor

What is my worth?

2007-08-10T14:46:00.000+01:00

It is without doubt in my heart that the value I place on myself to a very large extent determines my relationship with people. It is without doubt in my heart also that how I feel about myself determines the quality of my friendships as well as my work. How much then do I place on myself? What is my worth? It is a well known fact to me that many derive a sense of worth by successfully putting other down and those that allow themselves to be put down have a poor image of themselves. Is it the value others place on me that determines my view of myself? How do I see myself? The present notion I have of myself is flawed. I see myself as shy and struggling to succeed. I see myself as close to a failure which is sad. I see myself as someone incapable of relationships. If I have a wrong view of myself, what then is the right view? I'm a champion. I'm a living miracle, wonderfully made. I'm capable of anything I set my heart on. Relationships is human and I'm capable of it. Without doubt, I'm a success and billions would give all they have to have my life. If my life is such a beauty, why have I cheated and robbed myself of the opportunity to feel it? Enemies within and without have conspired to rob me of the opportunity. Enemies within is me. It is me who puts me down. It is me who hates me. It is me who feels bad about me. I am my enemy within. Enemies without are those who derive joy in putting me down. Enemies without are spiritual forces that are keen on seeing me fail to exercise my right in Christ. Definitely, I would contend with there forces to ensure that I stop defeating myself.

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Mayor

Bored and hungry in class

2007-08-08T12:13:00.000+01:00

I'm in a class called foundry technology and i'm seriouly hungry. Should have eaten before comin to this boring class. I'm sitting behind sum ugly girls :-), been taught by a lecturer that loves been angry. I'm not even writing his notes. Someone bail me out

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Mayor

Whats the point?

2007-08-05T18:09:00.001+01:00

Whats the point of going to school, getting married, working and then ending up dead? What's the point of loving and then getting hurt? What's the point of believing and then getting disappointed? What's the point of knowledge with no application? What's the point of being born when there's a certain end? What's the point of wealth when you leave without it? What's the point of pain when you can experience something better? What's the point of poverty in a land of plenty? What's the point of sacrifice if it is not appreciated? What's the point of LIFE?

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Mayor

Is there any hope at all?

2007-08-05T17:53:00.000+01:00

Despair is the absence of hope and I'm in a despondent mood now on my way to schul. Is there any hope for Nigeria? Is there any hope for me? Can Nigeria experience lasting peace and continuous positive change? Can I experience the same? Am I traveling the right path? The darkness of this present age has clouded my view. I have begun to be myopic in my views. God help me see the light and help me do that which is necessary to change me!

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Mayor

Thinkin about God

2007-08-04T22:37:00.000+01:00

What does He want from me? He is sovereign! He is mighty. The earth trembles at the sound of His voice. Do I matter in His sight? Jesus said even the sparrows in the air His eyes is on them, how much more me. Oh God help me recognize the enormous nature of your love for me.
P.S. I'm testing blogging with my phone.

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Mayor

The Reason for failure is inside ourselves - It's the way we think and behave!

2007-08-04T20:19:00.000+01:00

Cause of failure is summarized by the title of this post.
I have carried out an analsis of the areas I have failed and am failing which is relationships and the title to this post points out why! My failure is the way I think and behave. How then do I change a lifelong attitude? How then do I stop failing? How then do I change the way I think and behave? It is so easy to form bad habits but it is very difficult to break them. For years I have cultivated and nurtured the habit of fear in my relationships. I've desisted from been intimate with anyone. This has even showed in my relationship with God. I've feared revealing my depth. No one really knows me. I've failed and yet I can stop failing if I change the way I think and behave.
She fails every single course she takes and if she doesn't fail she gets poor results. Before she sits for any exam, she wants me by her side during the exam so she can be helped during the exam even though she read hard. She has no faith in herself. The way she thinks about herself limits her ability to acheive much academically. I say this because I know she knows it before the exam but immediately the exam starts, she knows little or nothing save for what i tell her or someone else. Why? Panic and fear with lack of faith in herself. Success gradually comes when she starts believing in herself.
Two kinds of failure. Two different people. Yet the same solution - Change our thought process and action process. How I long for meaningful relationships. How I long to express my heart as it is. How I long for freedom from fear. The time is nigh for me to change. The time is now. How then do I overcome my bad habits?

I'm Back

2007-07-29T21:14:00.000+01:00

After a long absence on blogspoyt, I'm finally back. Hope I get to make more posts per day!

God Bless The U.S.A.

2006-07-04T17:11:00.000+01:00

One way or the other every man on earth’s life has been affected by the U.S. We’ve been touched in no small way for good or bad by America. It is a country where you can dream and live your dream. It’s a country with values and they strive to uphold those values. It’s also a country that has been involved in many controversial wars. It is seen as an enemy by hardcore islamists, a friend of the Jews and the present world power. It is the desire of many worldwide to be able to sing the song written by Lee Greenwood:

If tomorrow all the things were gone

I'd worked for all my life,

And I had to start again

with just my children and my wife,

I'd thank my lucky stars

to be living here today,

'Cause the flag still stands for freedom

and they can't take that away.

I'm proud to be an American

where at least I know I'm free,

And I won't forget the men who died

who gave that right to me,

And I gladly stand up next to you

and defend her still today,

'Cause there ain't no doubt I love this land

God Bless the U.S.A.

From the lakes of Minnesota

to the hills of Tennessee,

Across the plains of Texas

from sea to shining sea.

From Detroit down to Houston

and New York to L.A.,

There's pride in every American heart

and it's time we stand and say:

I'm proud to be an American

where at least I know I'm free,

And I won't forget the men who died

who gave that right to me,

And I gladly stand up next to you

and defend her still today,

'Cause there ain't no doubt I love this land

God Bless the U.S.A.

On this 4^th of July, God bless the U.S.A…

Just a closer walk with thee...

2006-06-26T21:59:00.000+01:00

The essence of a relationship is being there for one another. Time. We have stopped spending time with people we love. We have people who call themselves lovers having no recollection of moments they can cherish except that on the bed. Why? The value of spending time with the one you love has disappeared. We are creating a loveless generation just like the bible said. In the last days the love of many would wax cold. Time. Many families are dead now because the mum does not have time, the dad does not have time, the kids are all alone. Time has made many unhappy millionaires. They sacrificed the joy of having a family for the sake of making money and now they mourn the destruction of the bond of love that should have remained between them and their partners or children. 24hours each day, how much do we spend of it with the ones we love? As I sit and pen this down, I feel guilty of turning away from those I should have loved because I failed to spend a little time with them. I feel the bonds I have failed to make that would haunt me for days to come just because of I thought I don't have time. Yeah I have a fixed amount of time per day and I should make good use of it. If we could all just devote more time to the ones we love maybe we won't have the trouble we have in the world today. We won't have disenchanted youths willing to strap themselves with bombs and blow themselves up in the market place if we had parents that showed love. We won't have divorces skyrocketing. We won't have a generation that cares nothing about ethics, honesty and integrity. We live in dark days and it would only get darker. Technological advancements have created some many opportunities to draw us away from the ones we love. These devices keep coming and keep pulling us away from the ones we love. Let's me look at my beautiful ipod. I love this device but while listening to music and nodding my head like a lizard, I have lost so many opportunities to notice someone who is in a need of a friend. I have missed an opportunity to change someone's life because I am listening to the noise in my ears. I have decided to stop looking for friends; I want to be a friend to others. I want to spend a little time with them so I can sit at the end and say I cherish the moments I spent with you. These are sad times. The love of money and fame has overwhelmed the heart of men. And this is what I seek, Just a closer walk with thee.

The Ten Secrets of Love

2006-06-19T16:12:00.000+01:00

The First Secret - The Power Of Thought
***********************************
Love begins with our thoughts. We become what we think about. Loving thoughts create loving experiences and loving relationships. Affirmations can change our beliefs and thoughts about others and ourselves. If we want to love someone, we need to consider their needs and desires. Thinking about your ideal partner will help you recognize her when you meet her.

The Second Secret - The Power Of Respect
************************************
You cannot love anyone or anything unless you first respect them. The first person you need to respect is yourself. To begin to gain self-respect asks yourself, "What do I respect about myself?" To gain respect for others, even those you may dislike, ask yourself "What do I respect about them?"

The Third Secret - The Power Of Giving
**********************************
If you want to receive love, all you have to do is give it! The more love you give, the more you will receive. To love is to give of yourself freely and unconditionally. Practice random acts of kindness. Before committing to a relationship ask not what the other person will be able to give to you, but rather what will you be able to give them. The secret formula of a happy, lifelong, loving relationship is to always focus on what you can give instead of what you can take.

The Fourth Secret - The Power Of Friendship
***************************************
To find a true love, you must first find a true friend. Love does not consist of gazing into each other's eyes, but rather looking outward together in the same direction. To love someone completely you must love them for who they are, not what they look like. Friendship is the soil through which love's seeds grow. If you want to bring love into a relationship, you must first bring friendship.

The Fifth Secret - The Power Of Touch
**********************************
Touch is one of the most powerful expressions of love, breaking down barriers and bonding relationships. Touch changes our physical and emotional states and makes us more receptive to love.

The Sixth Secret - The Power Of Letting Go
*************************************
If you love something, let it free. If it comes back to you it's yours, if it doesn't, it never was. Even in a loving relationship, people need their own space. If we want to learn to love, we must first learn to forgive and let go of past hurts and grievances. Love means letting go of our fears, prejudices, egos and conditions. "Today I let go of all my fears, the past has no power over me - today is the beginning of a new life."

The Seventh Secret - The Power Of Communication
********************************************
When we learn to communicate openly and honestly, life changes. To love someone is to communicate with them. Let the people you love know that you love them and appreciate them. Never be afraid to say those three magic words: "I Love you." Never let an opportunity pass to praise someone. Always leave someone you love with a loving word - it could be the last time you see them. If you were about to die but could make telephone calls to the people you loved, who would you call, what would you say and..why are you waiting?

The Eighth Secret - The Power Of Commitment
****************************************
If you want to have love in abundance, you must be committed to it, and that commitment will be reflected in your thoughts and actions. Commitment is the true test of love. If you want to have loving relationships, you must be committed to loving relationships. When you are committed to someone or something, quitting is never an option. Commitment distinguishes a fragile relationship from a strong one.

The Ninth Secret - The Power Of Passion
***********************************
Passion ignites love and keeps it alive. Lasting passion does not come through physical attraction alone; it comes from deep commitment, enthusiasm, interest and excitement. Passion can be recreated by recreating past experiences when you felt passionate. Spontaneity and surprises produce passion. The essence of love and happiness are the same; all we need to do is to live each day with passion.

The Tenth Secret - The Power Of Trust
*********************************
Trust is essential in all loving relationships. Without it one person becomes suspicious, anxious and fearful and the other person feels trapped and emotionally suffocated. You cannot love someone completely unless you trust them completely. Act as if your relationship with the person you love will never end. One of the ways you can tell whether a person is right for you is to ask yourself, "Do I trust them completely and unreservedly?" If the answer is "no", think carefully before making a commitment.

Where your treasure is, where your ear will be

2006-06-12T21:07:00.000+01:00

I got this from off a Site

The average person does not spend even 30 minutes a month in total silence and tranquility. Develop the skill of sitting quietly, enjoying the powerful silence for at least ten minutes a day. Simply think about what is important to you in your life. Reflect on your mission. Silence indeed is golden.

Try to focus on purpose, not on outcome. Imagine yourself doing a task because it is what you love to do or because it will help someone or is a valuable exercise. Don't do it for the money or recognition. Those will come naturally. This is the way of the world.

A Native American and his friend were in downtown New York City, walking near Times Square in Manhattan. It was during the noon lunch hour and the streets were filled with people. Cars were honking their horns, taxicabs were squealing around corners, sirens were wailing, and the sounds of the city were almost deafening.

Suddenly, the Native American said, "I hear a cricket."

His friend said, "What? You must be crazy. You couldn't possibly hear a cricket in all of this noise!"

"No, I'm sure of it," the Native American said,. "I heard a cricket."

"That's crazy," said the friend.

The Native American listened carefully for a moment, and then walked across the street to a big cement planter where some shrubs were growing. He looked into the bushes, beneath the branches, and sure enough, he located a small cricket. His friend was utterly amazed.

"That's incredible," said his friend. "You must have super-human ears!"

"No," said the Native American. "My ears are no different from yours. It all depends on what you're listening for."

"But that can't be!" said the friend. "I could never hear a cricket in this noise."

"Yes, it's true, " came the reply. "It depends on what is really important to you. Here, let me show you."

He reached into his pocket, pulled out a few coins, and discreetly dropped them on the sidewalk. And then, with the noise of the crowded street still blaring in their ears, they noticed every head within twenty feet turn and look to see if the money that tinkled on the pavement was theirs.

"See what I mean?" asked the Native American. "It all depends on what's important to you."

What's important to you? What do you listen for? Some people say that there is no God, and that He never speaks to us anymore. But, perhaps they can't see or hear Him because they aren't listening for Him. They are living for themselves, not for God. If you are in tune with God, you will be able to notice Him at work in your life and in the world. And you'll be able to hear Him when He speaks.

Jesus, said, "For this people's heart has become calloused; they hardly hear with their ears, and they have closed their eyes. Otherwise, they might see with their eyes, hear with their ears, understand with their hearts and turn, and I would heal them... But blessed are your eyes because they see, and your ears because they hear." (Matthew 13:15-16).

Interview with God

2006-06-08T21:49:00.000+01:00

With my newly acquired title as a journalist, I decided to strike a high note.

"Come in," God said to me, "so, you would like to interview Me?"

"If you have the time," I said.

He smiled through His beard and said: "My time is called eternity and is enough to do everything; what questions do
you have in mind to ask me?"

"None that are new to you. What's the one thing that surprises you most about mankind?"

He answered: "That they get bored of being children, are in a rush to grow up, and then long to be children again.

That they lose their health to make money and then lose their money to restore their health.

That by thinking anxiously about the future, they forget the present, such that they live neither for the present nor the future.

That they live as if they will never die, and they die as if they never had never lived..."

His hands took mine and we were silent. After a long period, I said, "May I ask you another question?"

He replied with a smile.

"As a Father, what would you ask your children to do for the new year?"

"To learn that they cannot make anyone love them. What they can do is to let themselves be loved.

To learn that it takes years to build trust, and a few seconds to destroy it.

To learn that what is most valuable is not what they have in their lives, but who they have in their lives.

To learn that it is not good to compare themselves to others. There will be others better or worse than they are.

To learn that a rich person is not one who has the most, but is one who needs the least.

To learn that they should control their attitudes, otherwise their attitudes will control them.

To learn that it only takes a few seconds to open profound wounds in persons we love, and that it takes many years to
heal them.

To learn to forgive by practising forgiveness.

To learn that there are persons that love them dearly, but simply do not know how to show their feelings.

To learn that money can buy everything but happiness.

To learn that while at times they may be entitled to be upset, that does not give them the right to upset those
around them.

To learn that great dreams do not require great wings, but a landing gear to achieve.

To learn that true friends are scarce, he/she who has found one has found a true treasure.

To learn that it is not always enough that they be forgiven by others, but that they forgive themselves.

To learn that they are masters of what they keep to themselves and slaves of what they say.

To learn that they shall reap what they plant; if they plant gossip they will harvest intrigues, if they plant
love they will harvest happiness.

To learn that true happiness is not to achieve their goals but to learn to be satisfied with what they already
achieved.

To learn that happiness is a decision. They decide to be happy with what they are and have, or die from envy and
jealousy of what they lack.

To learn that two people can look at the same thing and see something totally different.

To learn that those who are honest with themselves without considering the consequences go far in life.

To learn that even though they may think they have nothing to give, when a friend cries with them, they find
the strength to appease the pain.

To learn that by trying to hold on to love ones, they very quickly push them away; and by letting go of those
they love, they will be side by side forever.

To learn that even though the word "love" has many different meanings, it loses value when it is overstated.

To learn that they can never do something extraordinary for Me to love them; I simply do.

To learn that the shortest distance they could be from Me is the distance of a prayer."

Serious Stuff - Ramblings

2006-06-02T21:13:00.000+01:00

I watched a news clipping of what the army in Congo does today....Rape and kill innocent people and I watched with disgust at the sight of the President with a very nice piece of suit sitting on his chair after watching a clip of these abuses mouthing the words it is shocking and shameful, yet nothing drastic is done. The account of the 15year old who after his sisters were raped and killed was now sodomised nearly drove me to tears. Yeah I know CNN loves portraying Africa in badlight sometimes like I read today that a documentary on Europe or America on CNN shows a nice family in a car or at a meal all happy while a documentary on Africa starts with hungry looking half naked children. that still does not change the fact that children in many countries are suffering. I look at my ipod now and shake my head in disgust that someone somewhere would feed for a year on the price I bought the ipod calculating it based on the fact that many Nigerians live on less than a dollar a day and the ipod costs 320 dollars and if we assume 88cents per day which is about 123 Nigerian Naira - more than enough to buy a decent meal in a local eatery, we would get 365 days. It's a fact that many Nigerians live on one good food per day and probably back it up with a small cheap unhygienic meal (probably no wonder Nigeria breeds one of the most successful online criminals - not an excuse for them to steal). Forgetting about the Nigerian scenario and applying it to war zones like Iraq and Afghanistan and Countries with repressive governments like Sudan, Zimbabwe and North Korea, I feel so sad. I begin to wish I was rich so that I can touch suffering children one way or the other. They don't deserve what they get. they have no business with the wars their fathers are fighting yet they are the largest victims of war either directly or indirectly - either they are killed or they become orphans or they are abused. Enough of the world's hypocrisy. Lets unite to create less pain in a burdened world - I doubt if that would ever get close to happening

Boring! Boring!! Boring!!!

2006-05-28T20:38:00.000+01:00

Thats the curse of being a nerd. Thats the curse of being me. I have lived a life buried behind books and my computer screen. I tried to change the way I live...Hanging around with friends and going places...But all i get is still boring1 boring!! boring!!!. It's so awkward for me to walk with a girl cos we end up saying nothing. She begins a conversation and I got nothing to reply so I give her one word and what follows is an awkward silence. Boring! boring!! Boring!!!. I am with some guy friends and they are all conversing at the top of their voices, my voice is the only one unheard. Boring! Boring!! Boring!!!. I have lost touch with the world. I am in a world of my own. I retreat into my cocoon and yet my head still screams boring! boring!! boring!!! - you are leading a boring life. I go outside with friends and all they scream is mayowa you are a bore. Change is uneasy. I don't even know where to start from. I am good at topics on music, novels, news and computers, yet no one seems to be talking about these things. What do people talk about nowadays? No idea. Someone please give me ideas to become verse in so I can become a great conversationalist and so others would find me a good company to be with.

Ohh Girl, I'll be in trouble if You left me now, I don't know where to look for love, I don't know how.

2006-05-28T18:21:00.000+01:00

The title of this entry is the chorus to Paul Wall's song, Oh Girl. Falling in love for some has brought about a feeling of helplessness and dependency. It has become a situation of I cannot live is this person is not in my life. I don't know if it's normal, I don't know if every human experiences this including Hitler and his like, I don't know if it is bound to happen but each passing day I long for this feeling, not only me feeling it but a complementary feeling from another. I long to feel so as to be able to say I love you not just to mouth those words to every tom, dick and harry...If only I could just feel it and have someone who feels it for me to. Maybe then would i beable to boldly sing, Oh girl I would be in trouble if you left me now cos I don't know where to look for love, I just don't know how.

Don't Waste those tears

2006-05-14T14:01:00.000+01:00

Some people are not worth crying over. They come into your hearts and make you happy. At the height of your happiness they walk away leaving you unhappier than you were when they first came in....Love is difficult to understand. Someone hurts us and rather than being mad at the person for ruining our hearts, we shed tears. Why waste our tears? Why burden ourselves because of someone who doesn't care about us? Yeah love is complex, so also are we.

Absence of hope or despair

2006-04-30T13:36:00.000+01:00

I look around, I look within. All I see is despair. Despair in my own heart, despair in the faces of many who once hoped for a good life but have not even experienced a shadow of what they call a good life, despair in the faces of those with failed dreams. All around me I am faced with the absence of hope - hope of a change, hope of happiness, hope of wealth. Time and time again I have asked myself what purpose is there in life. Sometimes I even tell myself there is something wrong with the way I live my life and life lived the way I am living it now is not worth living. Two solutions – either I change or I die. I chose the first – I change. I'm losing hope of a change but I'm not despairing yet about that cos I believe there's still hope for a change.

The concept of God being more than enough hope for me excites me but I am still lost on how to tap into that. It's not a philosophy, I believe it's a reality but how do I look in the face of all these despair surrounding me and boldly say God is more than enough hope for me? I guess I have not fully grasped the concept of a loving kind God. I see pain every other day and rather than scream God is more than enough, I question why does God allow this?

Yes, over the years the question why does a good kind and loving God allow so much pain in this world has been asked. Many answers have been proffered but still the question still remains. Has God lost his power? No. Why has He failed to act in cases like Iraq where young children are blown off, in Darfur where kids die of hunger and killings probably sponsored by their government? I do not have the answer but I know He knows best and would act as He wills. Ohh that He would just command all the hopelessness in this hopeless world to cease that we may all have endless happiness.

Feelings of loneliness caused by my feelings of hopelessness grips my heart as I write this. As I have poured out my confusion here, I earnestly pray that this confusion leaves my heart and I become a happy man.

Enough of this!!!!!

2006-04-21T21:12:00.000+01:00

Enough of trying to please everyone at my own detriment.
Enough of being quiet when I'm trampled upon
Enough of being everybody's boy
Enough of my silent angers and fears

Enough of accepting everyone's problem as my own
Enough of keeping quiet when I feel slighted
Enough of my repressed emotions
Enough of hiding my weaknesses

Enough of being the nice guy people want
Enough of being a faker
Enoough of being someone's fool
It's not about me loving myself, it's about me being myself
It's no more about me pretending to be something else, it's about me being me
I did not take my stance when i should have - thats history now
I'm not going to be a jerk but I'm not going to be a coward, a sissy and someone's fool
I'm not going to be insensitive but I'm also not goin to be oversensitive to the point of harming myself.
This is a declaration of war on the way I have been doin things for the most of my teenage years....If u stand in my way, you would face a piece of the new me......

A new lamentation

2006-04-18T21:12:00.000+01:00

As I begin to write this, I feel a great burden in my heart, a burden not brought about by my failures or problems or illness but a burden brought about by my inaction. Act! Act!! Act!!! I have lost many friends, many opportunities, many good things all because I failed to act. What is that thing that makes my heart heavy, my hands and legs stiff and my mouth sealed that I can't do what I should when I should? I know I am not alone in this problem, I know it's not only me that faces consequences as a result of his inactions but still I know that even if the whole world faces it I can be different. Why is it that I have failed to press forward to my goal? Why is it i turn back at the slightest opposition? Why?????? I can go on and on about my failures and my sorrows but that won't solve anything but make me go to bed feeling miserable. I can make noise about my sadness and write all I like about it but it won't change nothing only make me realise that I got a problem that I hate. I have sought for help from friends but I have come to realise that I can only fight my own battles, they have their own battles to fight and whether they know it or not or i know it or not, it won't change the fact that the battle exists. I was thinking of going into a relationship cos i wanted someone to talk to and share my heart with but I now say no to that. All around me I am faced with shallow minded and dumb people. Maybe I am to blame for seeing them like that, not what they really are but I can't help but feel angered at the way they think and act. Many have come to accept what they are never choosing to aim higher. They have given up on life and if I tell them they are like there is nothing that can be done. I cannot put up with such defeatist attitude and thats one of the reason I call them shallow minded. What's this lamentation about? It's about me, it's about the world and it's about my friends. If I could get 7 days to live in a secluded place and rethink my life i would have appreciated it but where do I go? I think this would be my last sad post here cos I am willing to take decisive actions now. So help me God.

This is me!!!!

2006-04-17T17:15:00.000+01:00

This is me, they only got the part about me knowing how to have fun wrong...You can take it at http://www.brainbench.com/links/personality.jsp

PERSONALITY EVALUATION

Trait	Range	Trait
Introverted		Extraverted
Candid		Considerate
Impulsive		Cautious
Excitable		Relaxed
Practical		Imaginative
Concrete		Abstract
	Range

INTERPRETATION NOTES

Your Social Boldness: Introverted VS Extraverted

You are quite introverted. Socially, you prefer a more relaxed, low-key environment, rather than the hustle and bustle of a wild night in the city. You tend not to talk a lot, but when you do people listen, because when you say something it has meaning. You are not seeking the limelight, usually you prefer to let the attention-mongers do their thing while you observe. In an unfamiliar setting, you tend to be cautious and shy while you evaluate the circumstances. You prefer to avoid conflict, so you do not put yourself into a threatening situation. Your shyness may be perceived as unfriendly, but that could not be further from the truth. People need to be patient with you and take the time to get to know the complex, private you.

Your Agreeableness: Candid VS Considerate

You are slightly candid. Social harmony is important to you, as is evidenced by your cooperative, generous, and helpful nature. If someone asks you what you want to do, you may reply, "whatever you want". That is not because you are indecisive, rather you genuinely want the other person to be happy, and so whatever they want to do is fine with you. In general, you are straightforward and sincere with others, which makes you very likeable. People always know where you stand. You regard others positively - you trust people and feel they are honest, so you have no problem responding in kind. No one will accuse you of being arrogant. Your self-esteem is just fine, but you do not think you are better than anyone else. Your desire to help others is seen in your altruistic nature. You enjoy helping others and you do not expect anything in return.

Your Self-Control: Impulsive VS Cautious

You are quite impulsive. You are an independent thinker. You do not need a book of rules to tell you how to behave - you know inside what is right and what is wrong and you act accordingly. You are able to live life spontaneously, because you are able to make decisions without endless deliberation. In fact, when you and another person are making a decision, you are able to reach a solution fairly quickly while the other person has to cautiously plan every step. Eventually, they will agree with you, which is frustrating when your first impulse is usually the correct one in the decision-making process. You tend to be a little more casual, and you do not feel out of sorts when your home or office is not perfectly neat. In general, your life is pleasurable - you know how to have fun and will never be accused of being staid or stuffy.

Your Anxiety Level: Excitable VS Relaxed

You are very excitable. You do not like stressful situations. You tend to react emotionally to stress, which can lead to bad moods, or even anxiety, anger, or depression. You like to be treated fairly, and may become upset if you sense that someone is trying to cheat you. You may find urges and cravings irresistible to the point that you are giving into them even if you know you will regret it or feel guilty later. Sometimes you may feel uncomfortable in social situations, even thinking that others are judging you. This self-consciousness may show through as shyness, because you do not want people to think poorly of you. You tend to worry and are apprehensive in unfamiliar circumstances.

Your Openness to Change: Practical VS Imaginative

You are quite practical. You want just the facts - keep it plain and simple. You are practical, pragmatic and well grounded. You have no time for carelessness and impracticality. You prefer to keep your emotions to yourself, rather than exposing your feelings to the world. Life moves along much better for you when you can maintain a schedule and have routine in your life. Unexpected surprises and chaos are a major inconvenience to you. You tend to be conservative and are somewhat resistant to change. Others respect your ability to act properly in your everyday life.

The way you Think/Reason: Concrete VS Abstract

You are moderately abstract in your thinking. Your cognitive style tends to produce a facility for thinking in symbols and abstractions far removed from actual experiences. This symbolic cognition may take the form of mathematical, logical, or geometric thinking, artistic and metaphorical use of language, music composition or performance, or one of the many visual or performing arts. You tend to be intellectually curious, cultured, appreciative of art, and sensitive to beauty and have the uncanny abilities to distinguish imaginative, creative people from down-to-earth, conventional people.

Do I need help?

2006-04-16T20:23:00.000+01:00

I do not know if this is a stage in adult development - I have begun to question everything I have believed all my life. I have begun to search for reasons why I do certain things. This quest for new knowledge is driving me nuts cos I get confused all d time. I have begun to ask myself dangerous questions that I fear if I do not find the answers it might ruin my faith in God. I have begun to question the truth or what I called truth for years. I know I need help. How do I find this help? All the education I have gotten in my 20yrs of living can't answer these questions. Where then do I get answers? The internet which is a great resource of information has only helped to confuse me the more. I am caught sitting on a wall,to either the left or the right there are lions waiting to devour me the moment I drop from the wall but I don't know which side the lions are located and I have to drop soon cos I'm running out of time. Inaction would mean dropping into the lions mouth. Wrong action too would throw me into their mouths. Only what is right can deliver me. where do I go from here? what do I do? Totally lost and confused.

24 Things To Always Remember

2006-04-11T20:10:00.000+01:00

by: Bill Greer, Chicken Soup for the Veteran's Soul

Your presence is a present to the world.
You are unique and one of a kind.
Your life can be what you want it to be.
Take the days just one at a time.

Count your blessings, not your troubles.
You will make it through whatever comes along.
Within you are so many answers.
Understand, have courage, be strong.

Do not put limits on yourself.
So many dreams are waiting to be realized.
Decisions are too important to leave to chance.
Reach for your peak, your goal and you prize.

Nothing wastes more energy than worrying.
The longer one carries a problem the heavier it gets.
Do not take things too seriously.
Live a life of serenity, not a life of regrets.

Remember that a little love goes a long way.
Remember that a lot … goes forever.
Remember that friendship is a wise investment.
Life's treasure are people together.

Realize that it is never too late.
Do ordinary things in an extraordinary way.
Have hearth and hope and happiness.
Take the time to wish upon a start.

AND DO NOT EVER FORGET ….
FOR EVEN A DAY
HOW VERY SPECIAL YOU ARE !

Don't (Source Unknown)

2006-04-10T15:01:00.000+01:00

Don't think that no ones loved you,
because they've turned away.
Don't feel they didn't care for you,
because they couldn't stay.
Don't damn the world for not returning
the love you feel you've given.
Don't hate the one that you were yearning for,
because he couldn't make a commitment.
Just think of him as experience,
and think how much you've grown.
Think of him as the sacred prince
who placed you on a throne.
Think of all your times together,
feeling closer since you're apart.
Think of your plans of now and forever,
and hold them in your heart.
And don't let yourself feel so much hate
when he's no longer your other.
For when you're both at Heaven's gate,
that man will be your brother.

More than a conincidence?

2006-04-03T20:13:00.000+01:00

I have not gone through my bible for sometime now cos I have not been to church in quite some time. While on my way out, I felt an urge to pick up my bible today to read and decided to do that. On picking, I was like what passage am I going to read and I sort of made a guess, PRoverbs 16:8; Better is a little with righteousness than great revenues without right. I stopped there and thot of my life, I am neglecting the bible truths to make some money and felt really guilty. Decided to quickly close that passge and guess another passage and decided on Mark 4:18 and read it down to 19:And these are they which are sown among thorns; such as hear the word,And the cares of this world, and the deceitfulness of riches, and the lusts of other things entering in, choke the word, and it becometh unfruitful. The cares of this world and the deceitfulness of riches stood there staring at me. I have turned away from God's word cos of some little gain, because of some money, because of this world's cares and because of riches that deceive. I see in this passages not some kind of coincidences but a strange warning that I should set my affections on things above not on things here...God help us all.

The Piano Lesson

2006-04-01T17:27:00.000+01:00

I picked this off a forum as it inspired me.....

The Piano Lesson

Wishing to encourage her young son's progress on the piano, a mother took her boy to a Paderewski concert. After they were seated, the mother spotted a friend in the audience and walked down the aisle to greet her. Seizing the opportunity to explore the wonders of the concert hall, the little boy rose and eventually explored his way through a door marked "NO ADMITTANCE."

When the houselights dimmed and the concert was about to begin, the mother returned to her seat and discovered that the child was missing. Suddenly, the curtains parted and spotlights focused on the impressive Steinway on stage. In horror, the mother saw her little boy sitting at the keyboard, innocently picking out "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star." At that moment, the great piano master made his entrance, quickly moved to the piano, and whispered in the boy's ear, "Don't quit. Keep playing."

Then leaning over, Paderewski reached down with his left hand and began filling in a bass part. Soon his right arm reached around to the other side of the child and he added a running obligatio. Together, the old master and the young novice transformed a frightening situation into a wonderfully creative experience. And the audience was mesmerized.

Whatever our situation in life and history ~ however outrageous, however desperate, whatever dry spell of the spirit, whatever dark night of the soul ~ God is whispering deep within our beings, "Don't quit. Keep playing. You are not alone, Together we will transform the broken patterns into a masterwork of my creative art. Together, we will mesmerize the world with our song of peace.

Don't know about you, but this touches my heart in a special way. How wonderful is our Lord, how patient He is with us, How loving is He toward us, How awesome is His love toward us.. Thank you Jesus, for loving us as we grow into the people you know we can be. Walk with God,

To all Nigerians with blackened hearts

2006-03-31T20:34:00.000+01:00

They are all the same...Wolves in sheep clothing. Thieves. I am a Nigerian but each passing day I get to hate the people of whom I am part of. They are interested in nobody but what they would steal from him. Bloody hypocrites and liars. I beg of you reading this today if you are involved with any Nigerian and it involves money RUN RUN RUN. They take your trust and rubbish it. I thought it was cool to trust people like a kid, I know better now. I thought it was cool to believe in others but now I know better. Bloody wolves in sheep clothing. About a year and a half ago a Nigerian friend of mine based in America told that he sometimes prays for Nigeria to become a dumping for toxic waste. He dislikes the country thoroughly. I was thinking he was just too harsh, Now I know better. I wish for this on all those who give Nigeria a bad name. I wish for this on all those black hearted Nigerians who are out to deceive. I wish for this on all those Nigerians who do not have a conscience. May toxic waste be heaped upon your blackened hearts except you repent.

A new dawn

2006-02-10T21:01:00.000+01:00

As I write this, I look out and what I see is the night sky. The day has gone and the night has come. Few hours from now, a new day would be born and I strongly believe a new me too. The decisions I make now, would be binding for a long time. The steps I take would determine today my altitude tomorrow. I have made up my mind to do things differently, never waiting, never procastinating but acting on that which is right. I made promises to myself on Jan. 1st. 41 days into the new year, I am not different from how I was last year instead I have become worse. Now is the time for me to change and I see a new dawn tomorrow. The devil himself can't stop me.

Missing You

2005-09-25T20:03:00.000+01:00

I spent today busy trying to install a computer program and I found out I just wasted my time installing it cos it did not work and I wasted expensive diesel.
Thats by the way side. I just discovered what it was to miss someone and I found out it hurts greatly. If you read through my blog you would have heard of someone
called Diamond...I have not heard from her for sometime and its hurting me badly. I miss her as if I lost something great. Missing a person is terrible. Missing a person hurts so also
does loving a person too.

The World in Trouble Part 2

2005-09-22T14:08:00.000+01:00

Wars, rumors of wars, strange illnesses, hurricanes, earthquakes, devastating and unpredictable events, selfishness of the highest order and so many others plague the world today. Sin is been giving a different name. God has become a figment of our imaginations. Life has become full of hope that is based on what we can do and not on what God can do. We now feel responsible for ourselves….God is no more in the picture. The created has refused to recognise his creator.

The world is unknowingly plotting its own downfall. In the name of peace, we kill the innocent forgetting that their blood would cry. In the name of becoming prosperous, we trample on the poor and fatherless forgetting that blessings abound in blessing the poor. In the name of righteousness, we condemn the sinner forgetting Jesus himself ate with sinners but condemned their works. The world has no foucs, the world has noplace its going. The world's helplessness was clearly seen in December 2004 – The tsunami that rocked Asia, in August 2005 – hurricane Katrina that brought America to its knees,in September 2005 – hurricane Rita that's making Texas to tremble. Science has not been able to help, human wisdom has gotten us no where yet we fail to realize that we should look up to our maker.

You're always in my heart

2005-09-17T18:32:00.000+01:00

2 weeks since my last post and I do not know where to start. Many things have happened and I would try to recall them. I am missing my friend, she's in school now and I don't get to talk to her often anymore. I got this somewhere and I am pasting it here as a reminder of what she is to me:

We cannot be together,

But we'll never be apart,

For no matter what life brings us,

You're always in my heart.

Things have changed since then. I have reduced the number of hours I spend on my computer and I have been trying to make myself useful to myself but I have not succeeded in doing that instead I find myself doing the "wrongest" things.

I was meant to be reading for my CCNA exam but I have neglected that for nothing. I am wasting valuable time on nothing. I was watching a video today and I was looking at the timing on the video and watched as it counted down to the end and I then realized that the time of life too is counting down and one day would reach its end. What would I have done with my time?

Yesterday I was going through some of the writings I did about 2years ago and I discovered nothing really has changed about my life. I am still the sad young boy finding a meaning to life. How can I live life? How can I cherish life? Answers I have been trying to find without any success….

The World In Trouble Pt.1

2005-09-05T18:16:00.000+01:00

The last days are upon us. As the world is still trying to come to terms with the level of destruction that characteriesed hurricane katrina, typhoon tamil is causing damage in China and Japan is soon to follow. As a notable Nigerian prophet said at the beginning of this year, the waters are raging and strange winds are blowing many things away. As I write this, Indonesia is trying to clear the wreckage of an air crash that killed over 130 people. Disaster and tragedy follows the world. Modern science cannot do anything to stop these tragedies. This shows there is a limit to our human brain. Thats not the issue I am trying to raise here. The world is faced with a lot of trouble. Senseless wars are being fought, natural disasters, men have become so engrossed in pleasure that God has become secondary... Doesn't this correspond to what is found in the bible in Matthew 24? When you see these things happen, says Jesus, know that the end is upon you.

Behind these hazel eyes or should it be brown?

2005-08-30T21:34:00.000+01:00

These is how I feel now, the words of Kelly Clarkson's song - Behind these hazel eyes

Seems like just yesterday
You were a part of me
I used to stand so tall
I used to be so strong
Your arms around me tight
Everything felt so right
Unbreakable like nothing could go wrong
Now I can't breathe
No, I can't sleep
I'm barely hanging on

Here I am
Once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it
Can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

I told you everything
Opened up and let you in
You made me feel alright
For once in my life
Now all that's left of me
Is what I pretend to be
So together, but so broken up inside
Cause I can't breathe
No, I can't sleep
I'm barely hanging on

Here I am
Once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it
Can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

Swallow me, then spit me out
For hating you I blame myself
Seeing you it kills me now
No, I don't cry on the outside anymore!

Here I am
Once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it
Can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

Here I am
Once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it
Can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

The Joy of Friendship

2005-08-29T13:44:00.000+01:00

Life is a oneway street. Many times we do things we wish we never did. Friends are the pillars we lean on when things become tough for us on this street called life. Where are these friends? Do they exist? The world has become so self absorbed. Men are in love with themselves. True friendship has become scarce....we are all living for ourselves. My eyes well up with tears for a many walking through life feeling dejected and rejected, no friend to lean on. My heart aches for those who are tired of living yet they can't stop living. My heart aches for me who walks on the face of this earth trusting no one but one. It is so sad.

The joy of having friends came clearly to me today when I talked to a friend of mine on the other side of the world. Alone with no direction. He sure has friends over there but his friends encourage him on the path of destruction. Are those friends? I would complete this write up later...my heart feels so heavy.

Forgotten Warrior or Shining Star

2005-08-26T21:05:00.000+01:00

Two days ago, I was at home and I can't really explain what overcame me. All of a sudden i started hearing voices and this was what was said in summary: Act like the world wants you to act, do what it wants you to do, be like everybody, do what everybody wants, think the way everybody thinks and know this you would be the hero of the moment. Everybody would love you because you are what they want you to be but remember tomorrow you would be forgotten. You would become a forgotten hero, a forgotten warrior.

Act the way God wants you to act, live the life he wants for you, detests the wrong ways of this world and strive to do that which is right, you would be a shining star forever. Your name would be remembered long after you are gone.

I do not know where that came from probably the voice of the Holyspirit, but it was clear in my heart. I have been having wishing to be like everybody else, wishing to do what they all do and think the way everybody thinks, I guess this is a warning. A call to obey God rather than the ways of men.

What do yoou think?

Wow.......

2005-08-19T17:51:00.000+01:00

I am screaming for joy. Why? The only course I was scared of having a C in, I was one of the only 3 that had an A in it. Glory be to God. Anyway I think you should know what I am about to write...BORING. Everyday has been boring, I am tired and frustrated. I read this classic romantic novel titled Wuthering Heights. I love that book, it almost brought me to tears. Catherine Earnshaw loved Heathcliff but married Edgar Linton cos Edgar was more presentable and Heathcliff sort off was responsible for her death and vowed revenge on everybody related to Edgar and Catherine. He sure got his revenge but he was tormented... Read the novel pleaseeeeeee, its wonderful. Read it before though but enjoyed it more now. I also watched Man of Fire, I never knew it was interesting too. Denzel Washington is a very good actor, I think the best male actor I know now. I loved man of fire but I also almost cried at John Creasy's death in the hands of the bad men but he had an unselfish love for the little child. A lovely film. Apart from that I guess I have been sitting idle in front of a PC all day. I also just floated a new company. Hope to write more about this company soon.

Past and Present

2005-08-16T19:36:00.000+01:00

Yesterday is Past, Today is the Present.

Yesterday was not different from every other day, Nuttin interesting happened. I just sat down and used all the credit I had in making calls cos I was so bored. Then I watched this interestin Denzel Washington film, Out of Time. I heard some good interesting news yesterday, I had a B in engineering maths a course that I went to the class only once and I had an A in a course called Industrial Materials (I am not so sure if dats the name), well I was the highest in that course even though during the exam I knew just one question out of about 8 and I copied the rest. I guess when I resume school I would get a lot of enemies cos I copied many people and they all had poor results in that course while me that copied had the best result.I read my bible when I heard my results and I hope not to forget an interesting verse, II Tim 2:4; "No man that warreth entangleth himself in the affairs of this world, that he might please him that calleth him to be a soldier." I felt this was a call to be unique.

When I was through reading my bible I did what I usually do every other day and that was to sit in front of my Pc and browse. So boring I guess.

Now to the present, I have been bored as hell today. Nuttin interesting happened. Slept throu out the morning. When i was through got out and did the same old routine and that is to browse. I hate this boring life.......Any ideas on what to do?

A Poem for the best girl in my world...

2005-08-14T19:53:00.000+01:00

I never knew it was possible to love someone
I never believed I could ever miss anybody
I never had the feeling of being loved until now
Did destiny bring us together I ask
or are we just victims of luck?
I love her dearly...
Once I prayed for an angelic visitation
I got no answer
I began to lose faith
but alas I did not know that God sent an angel
she was the one and I never knew it
But now I know and
I never cease to thank God for bringing her into my life
shes the only diamond I have ever known
dats y I hold Diamond dearly as I would have held a diamond

Another Day

2005-08-14T19:43:00.000+01:00

Yesterday was a bit better than other days. My friends visited me and I think i had fun gisting with them. Its not everyday I get friends to come and visit me. Its very boring sitting in front of my computer all day and I would take the advice of a friend of mine to be going out. But the problem is where do I go. Anyway that would solve itself as time goes on...Someone just offered that I go with him to the house of one of my old friends dat I have not seen in 4years. I heard she's fat :)

Today, I went to church and it was nice. I started sleeping as the preacher starterd to preach but all of a sudden I discovered he was saying lifetruths and I sat up and decided to listen up. He was talking about What do You have in ur house or hands?

The summary of the message was based on the following facts:

1. There is no substitute for hardwork in the School of Success

2. The reason why opportunities elude many is that they look far away from the opportunities that present themselves.

3. Opportunities disguise themselves as problems

4. The limitations that exist on our pathway to success are those ones we create for ourselves

5. We need to move ourselves for the world to move with us

6. What you are gifted to do is superior to what you are trained to do

7. Time never complains as it is been wasted, it just watches

8. Be satisfied with what you have and not what you are.

If you fail to use what you have ( the gift God has deposited in your life) you would enter into poverty.

Immediately I came back from church I began to do what I do every other day and dats browsing and it paid off when the girl I cherish most in this world came online early today and I chatted with her :). After that it has been borin even as I am writing this... I am still lookin gfor opinions to help me get out of this boredom. God bless you all and Don't neglect the gift in ur hands...

Yesterday and Today

2005-08-12T14:30:00.000+01:00

I don't know what to say about yesterday, it was boring as usual even though I went out. I had to go and get a phone for a friend of my sister. While makin the purchase, I became so angry cos the sales attendant was obviously bypassing me and making sales to others who met me there. I tried to swallow my anger cos I knew if I displayed it I would have become so mad and eventually walk out of the place without buying the phone and I would have lost a great deal cos thats where I can get the phone cheaply. Anyway when I got back, I continued my normal routine of sitting in front of the computer and browsing. The only interesting thing yesterday was I talked with the only person I love for now....Would tell u her name later :).

Now today - Woke uo today and its been boring and bad so far. Its 2pm and I have not eaten or drank water. I don't know what to eat. I have been trying to fix some systems loaded with spyware. I think I successfully fixed one. I hope something interesting happens before the end of today...

Another Boring Day

2005-08-10T19:13:00.000+01:00

Today has been usually boring. Nuttin interesting has happened. I woke up and slept again.

Around 11, I started to watch this film by Angelina Jolie and Denzel Washington - Bone Collector

When I was thur went out to browse and been doing so since then

Pretty boring I guess....

I can't continue like this so what do I do?

I'm Back for REAL

2005-08-09T21:24:00.000+01:00

I have neglected my blog for far too long and I think its high time I start putting stuffs on it.

Let me try to update you on whats goin on in my life. God sent to me this guy who has helped all of a sudden procure materials for

this computer based exam CCNA dat I want to write and I am so happy and I do pray that God blesses this man wherever he is.

Then I am thru wit my exams and sitting at home bored doin nuttin and I need help on what to spend dis hols doin...Any idea would help.

The Dying Man

2005-05-10T20:56:00.000+01:00

I wrote this because yesterday I someone I was told someone I know was in a terminal state...His death might be near

The Dying Man

A young man's dream has been shattered

Every second, life leaves him

His hope to see his children prosper has been killed

I wonder with tears in my eyes the thoughts of a dying man

Heaviness is in his heart knowing the end is nigh

Regret is in his mind for his past wrong actions

One more chance he cries out, Lord let me live

His prayer not answered seals his fate

He now seeks the God he neglected and rejected

He calls upon God for help

Alas, his case has been decided and no help in sight

What does it man to be a dying man I ask?

The dying man becomes extremely wise all of a sudden

Those things he refused to accept as wrong, he now sees in a different light as wrong

His nearness to his grave opens his mind

The burden in a dying mans heart is his death

Seven Wonders of the World

2005-04-20T21:25:00.000+01:00

Seven Wonders of the World

A group of Geography students studied the Seven Wonders of the World.
At the end of that section,
the students were asked to list
what they considered to be the Seven Wonders of the World.

Though there was some disagreement, the following got the most votes:

1		Egypt's Great Pyramids
2		Taj Mahal
3		Grand Canyon
4		Panama Canal
5		Empire State Building
6		St. Peter's Basilica
7		China's Great Wall

! While gathering the votes, the teacher noted that one student, a quiet girl, hadn't turned in her paper yet. So she asked the girl if she was having trouble with her list.

The quiet girl replied, "Yes, a little. I
couldn't quite make up my mind because there were so many!"

The teacher said, "Well, tell us what you have, and maybe we can help."

The girl hesitated, then read, "I think The Seven Wonders of the World are:

1		to touch
2		to taste
3		to see
4		to hear

She hesitated a little, and then added

5		to run
6		to laugh
7		and to love

It is far too easy for us to look at the exploits of man
and refer to them as "wonders"
while we overlook all God has done, regarding them as merely "ordinary.

May you be reminded today of those things which are truly wondrous.

Author: Unknown

God's Perfect Plan For Those who have failed

2005-04-17T13:44:00.000+01:00

God's Perfect Plan For Those
Who Have Failed
- Zac Poonen

There are many brothers and sisters who feel that because they have sinned and failed God at some time in their past lives, therefore they cannot fulfil God's perfect plan for their lives now.
Let us look at what the Scriptures have to say on this matter, and not lean on our own understanding or our sense of logic.
Notice first of all how the Bible begins. In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth (Gen. 1:1). And the heavens and the earth must have been perfect when God created them, for nothing imperfect or incomplete can ever come forth from His hand. But some of the angels whom He had created fell away, and this is described for us in Isaiah 14:11-15 and Ezekiel 28:13-18. It was then that the earth came into the condition described in Gen. 1:2, "formless, empty and dark"
The rest of Gen. 1 describes how God worked on that shapeless, empty, dark mass and made something so beautiful out of it that He Himself declared it to be "very good" (Gen. 1:31). We read in Genesis 1:2,3 that the Spirit of God moved over the earth, and God spoke His Word - and this was what made the difference.
What is the message in that for us today? Just this that no matter how much we may have failed or how much we may have made a mess of things, God can still make something glorious out of our lives.
God had a perfect plan for the heavens and the earth when he created them. But this plan had to be set aside because of Lucifer's failure. But God remade the heavens and the earth and still produced something very good out of it.
Now consider what happened next.
God made Adam and Eve and started all over again. God must have had a perfect plan for them too, which obviously did not include their eating of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. But they did eat of the forbidden tree and frustrated God's original plan for them - whatever the plan may have been.
Logic would now tell us that they could not fulfil God's perfect plan any longer. Yet we see that when God came to meet them in the garden, He does not tell them that they would now have to live only on His second best for the rest of their lives. No. He promises them in Genesis 3:15 that the seed of the woman would bruise the head of the serpent. That was a promise of Christ's dying for the sins of the world and overcoming Satan on Calvary.
Now consider this fact and see if you can reason it out.
We know that Christ's death was part of God's perfect plan from all eternity. "The Lamb was slain from the foundation of the world" (Rev. 13:8). Yet we also know that Christ died only because Adam and Eve sinned and failed God. So logically, we could say that God's perfect plan to send Christ to die for the sins of the world was fulfilled, not despite Adam's failure, but because of Adam's failure! We would not have known God's love shown on Calvary's cross, were it not for Adam's sin.
That baffles logic and that is why the Scriptures say that we should "not lean on our own understanding" (Prov. 3:5).
If God worked according to mathematical logic, then we would have to say that Christ coming to the earth was God's second best plan. But it would be blasphemous to say so. It was part of God's perfect plan for man. God makes no mistakes. But since God is almighty as well as sovereign, and since He also knows the end from the beginning, and since He is always silently planning for us in love, human reasoning fails when we try to explain His dealings with us.
God's ways are not our ways and His thoughts not our thoughts. The difference between them is as great as the distance between heaven and earth (Isa. 55:8,9). So it is good for us to set our clever reasoning and logic aside when trying to understand God's ways. What then is the message that God is trying to get through to us right from the opening pages of the Bible? Just this that He can take a man who has failed and make something glorious out of him and still make him fulfil God's perfect plan for his life.
That is God's message to man, in the Bible and we must never forget it.
God can take a man who has failed repeatedly, and still make him fulfil His perfect plan - not God's second best, but God's best plan.

This is because even the failure may have been part of God's perfect plan to teach him a few unforgettable lessons. This is impossible for human logic to grasp, because we know God so very little.

It is only broken men and women whom God can use.

And one way He breaks us is through repeated failures.

Part of the apostle Peter's training for leadership was failure. The Lord used Peter's failure to break him.

One of the biggest problems that God has with us is to bless us in such a way that the blessing does not puff us up with pride. To get victory over anger and then to be proud of it, is to fall into a far deeper pit than the one we were in! God has to keep us humble in victory.

Genuine victory over sin is always accompanied by the deepest humility. This is where repeated failures have a part to play in destroying our self-confidence so that we are convinced that victory over sin is not possible apart from God's enabling grace. Then, when we do get victory, we can never boast about it.

Further, when we have failed repeatedly ourselves, we can never despise another who fails. We can sympathise with those who fall, because we have come to know the weakness of our own flesh, through our own innumerable falls. We can "deal gently with the ignorant and misguided, since we ourselves are beset with weakness" (Heb. 5:3).

Hearing such a message, the logically minded man, can then say, "Then let us sin all the more so that good may come!"

Romans 3:7,8 (LB) answers such a man with these words: "You say, 'My dishonesty brought God glory by pointing up His honesty'. If you follow through with that idea you come to this: The worse we are, the better God likes it! But the damnation of those who say such things is just".

No, we do not preach that we should sin so that good may come. Neither do we say that we can take advantage of God's grace and disobey God deliberately, and still avoid reaping what we have sown. No.

But we do say that human logic cannot grasp the grace of God to fallen men. Nothing is impossible for God - not even to bring us into His perfect will, after we have failed miserably and repeatedly. Only our unbelief can hinder Him.

If you say, "But I have messed up things so many times. It is impossible for God now to bring me into His perfect plan", then it will be impossible for God, because YOU cannot believe in what He can do for you. But Jesus said that nothing is impossible for God to do for us - if only we believe.

"Be it done to you according to your faith", is God's law in all matters (Matt. 9:29). We will get what we have faith for. If we believe that something is impossible for God to do for us, then it will never be fulfilled in our lives.

On the other hand you will discover at the judgment seat of Christ that another believer who had made a greater mess of his life than you, nevertheless fulfilled God's perfect plan for his life - just because he believed that God could pick up the broken pieces of his life and make something very good out of it.

What regret there will be in your life in that day, when you discover that it was not your failures (however many they may have been) that frustrated God's plan in your life, but your unbelief!

The story of the prodigal son, who wasted so many years, shows that God gives His best even to failures. The father said, "Quickly bring out the best robe", for one who had let him down so badly. This is the message of the gospel - redemption and a new beginning, not just once, but again and again - for God never gives up on anyone.

The parable of the estate-owner who went out hiring labourers (Matt.20:1-16) also teaches the same thing. People who were hired at the eleventh hour were the ones to be rewarded first. In other words, those who had wasted 90% (11/12th) of their lives, doing nothing of eternal value, could still do something glorious for God with the remaining 10% of their lives. This is a tremendous encouragement to all who have failed.

"The reason the Son of God was manifested was to undo (dissolve) the works the devil has done (1 Jn. 3:8 Amplified Bible).

That means that Jesus came to untie all the knots that there are in our lives. Picture it like this: All of us started at babyhood with a nice ball of string. But by now that string has been knotted up with ten thousand knots, and we do not have any hope that we can ever untie those knots. We are discouraged and depressed as we look at our lives. The good news of the gospel is that Jesus has come to untie every one of those knots.

You say, "That is impossible!". Well then, it will be done to you according to your faith. It will be impossible in your case. But I hear someone else whose life is worse than yours, saying, "Yes, I believe that God will do that in me". To him too it will be according to his faith. In his life, God's perfect plan will be fulfilled.

In Jeremiah 18:1-6, God spoke His word to Jeremiah through a practical illustration. Jeremiah was asked to go to a potter's house, and there he saw the potter trying to make a vessel. But the vessel "was spoiled in the hand of the potter". So what did the potter do? "He remade it into another vessel, as it pleased the potter to make".

Then came the application: "Can I not, O ............... deal with you as this potter does?", was the Lord's question (v. 6). (Fill in your name in those dotted lines, and that would be God's question to you).

If there is a godly sorrow in your life for all your failures, then even if your sins are like scarlet or red like crimson, not only will your heart be made as white as snow - as promised under the old covenant (Isa. 1:18) - but God promises even more under the new covenant: "not even to remember your sins any more" (Heb. 8:12).

Whatever your blunders or failures, you can make a new beginning with God. And even if you have made a thousand new beginnings in the past and have come to failure, you can still make the 1001st new beginning today. God can still make something glorious out of your life. While there is life, there is hope.

So, never fail to trust God. He cannot do many mighty works for many of His children, not because they have failed Him in the past, but because they will not trust Him now.

Let us then "give glory to God by being strong in faith" (Rom. 4:20), trusting Him in the days to come for the things which we considered impossible up until now.

All people - young and old - can have hope, no matter how much they may have failed in the past, if only they will acknowledge their failures, be humble and trust God.

Thus we can all learn from our failures and go on to fulfil God's perfect plan for our lives.

And in the ages to come, He can show us forth to others as examples of what He could do with those whose lives were total failures.

In that day He will show what He could do in us, through the "surpassing riches of His grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus" (Eph. 2:7).

Definig your purpose

2005-04-12T20:49:00.000+01:00

A purposeless life should cease to exist. Many walk through life without having a direction for their lives. They don't know where they are going. It is sad but true that majority of people do not have a focus for their lives, they are living life as it comes and they think they are making a headway. Whats our purpose? Why are we here on earth? I am searching for answers.... if you can help me out, post a comment

Ode to nice girls

2005-04-01T19:59:00.000+01:00

This was written by the girls of D-202 (Katness, D$$, AJ, and Suze-dogg) in response to the Ode to the Nice Guys which can be found here

This is a tribute to the nice girls. These are the girls who are safe. The girls whom guys who have girlfriends are allowed to hang out with because they're not viewed as a threat. These are the girls who dress respectably . . . they don't go and get "skank clothes" and parade themselves around, catching the attention of every drooling, testosterone-filled boy on earth. These are the girls who are okay with going to chick-fil-a on a date, hanging out, watching a movie, playing a game, or doing some other low-cost, high-fun form of entertainment. Because after all, it's really about the quality time that they spend with the guy and not the amount of money that is flowing from his pockets in order to please her every whim and desire (or so he thinks) during the date.

This is in honor of the girls who take the time to ask their guy friends "how's life?" and to listen carefully when the answer is given. The girls who go out of their way to make cookies or cheer up male friends in distress. Yeah, we know "men are from Mars" and "women are from Venus," but a simple "thank you" is pretty darn universal.

This goes out to the girls who must sit complacently while their guy friends discuss the "hotness" of the girl at the next table over. They watch as these guys date or lust over each and every self-centered, trashy, insecure, flirtatious, and flighty girl they come into contact with.

When asked, most guys say they would like to date a nice girl. However, when faced with such an opportunity, they claim that "I love her . . .like a little sister" or "there are no such things as nice girls. They're all evil." These guys continue to complain about how all girls are "manipulative" and "gossipy" and wonder why in the world they all go to the bathroom at the same time.

But, we must confess, there are guys out there who realize the value of their nice friends who are girls. These are the guys who should be praised for their willingness to go with the flow, hang out, and chill. These guys, however, fail to consider these nice girls as anything more than friends or to step up to the plate and consider them for a Saturday night date or the upcoming dance even though they possess all the qualities that guys claim they are looking for. But, a note to the nice girls. Eventually all guys will (or at least should) realize that they don't want to have a relationship with a girl who wants all of their money and who will only date them until a guy who is better or more enhancing for her social status comes along. So, until those guys realize what is right in front of them, a word of encouragement to the nice girls. You know who you are, and I know you're sick of being treated like a doormat. In all honesty, you are valuable. Clearly, you possess qualities that cause your guy friends to want to hang out with you. The world needs your encouragement, your willingness to take part in spontaneous activities, your ability to continue to enjoy life even though you watch as countless nasty, malicious female sirens blind the nice guys with their alluring ways. For all of the random, frustrating, and seemingly non-sensical things you tolerate, don't lose hope. Nice guys do exist and will someday realize that nice girls, who are not evil, exist as well. Fear not, your day will come. And perhaps your prince will too.

Ode to Nice guys (It seems I am the nice guy)

2005-04-01T19:10:00.000+01:00

Ode to the Nice Guys

This rant was written for the Wharton Undergraduate Journal
This is a tribute to the nice guys. The nice guys that finish last, that never become more than friends, that endure hours of whining and bitching about what assholes guys are, while disproving the very point. This is dedicated to those guys who always provide a shoulder to lean on but restrain themselves to tentative hugs, those guys who hold open doors and give reassuring pats on the back and sit patiently outside the changing room at department stores. This is in honor of the guys that obligingly reiterate how cute/beautiful/smart/funny/sexy their female friends are at the appropriate moment, because they know most girls need that litany of support. This is in honor of the guys with open minds, with laid-back attitudes, with honest concern. This is in honor of the guys who respect a girl’s every facet, from her privacy to her theology to her clothing style.
This is for the guys who escort their drunk, bewildered female friends back from parties and never take advantage once they’re at her door, for the guys who accompany girls to bars as buffers against the rest of the creepy male population, for the guys who know a girl is fishing for compliments but give them out anyway, for the guys who always play by the rules in a game where the rules favor cheaters, for the guys who are accredited as boyfriend material but somehow don’t end up being boyfriends, for all the nice guys who are overlooked, underestimated, and unappreciated, for all the nice guys who are manipulated, misled, and unjustly abandoned, this is for you.
This is for that time she left 40 urgent messages on your cell phone, and when you called her back, she spent three hours painstakingly dissecting two sentences her boyfriend said to her over dinner. And even though you thought her boyfriend was a chump and a jerk, you assured her that it was all ok and she shouldn’t worry about it. This is for that time she interrupted the best killing spree you’d ever orchestrated in GTA3 to rant about a rumor that romantically linked her and the guy she thinks is the most repulsive person in the world. And even though you thought it was immature and you had nothing against the guy, you paused the game for two hours and helped her concoct a counter-rumor to spread around the floor. This is also for that time she didn’t have a date, so after numerous vows that there was nothing “serious” between the two of you, she dragged you to a party where you knew nobody, the beer was awful, and she flirted shamelessly with you, justifying each fit of reckless teasing by announcing to everyone: “oh, but we’re just friends!” And even though you were invited purely as a symbolic warm body for her ego, you went anyways. Because you’re nice like that.
The nice guys don’t often get credit where credit is due. And perhaps more disturbing, the nice guys don’t seem to get laid as often as they should. And I wish I could logically explain this trend, but I can’t. From what I have observed on campus and what I have learned from talking to friends at other schools and in the workplace, the only conclusion I can form is that many girls are just illogical, manipulative bitches. Many of them claim they just want to date a nice guy, but when presented with such a specimen, they say irrational, confusing things such as “oh, he’s too nice to date” or “he would be a good boyfriend but he’s not for me” or “he already puts up with so much from me, I couldn’t possibly ask him out!” or the most frustrating of all: “no, it would ruin our friendship.” Yet, they continue to lament the lack of datable men in the world, and they expect their too-nice-to-date male friends to sympathize and apologize for the men that are jerks. Sorry, guys, girls like that are beyond my ability to fathom. I can’t figure out why the connection breaks down between what they say (I want a nice guy!) and what they do (I’m going to sleep with this complete ass now!). But one thing I can do, is say that the nice-guy-finishes-last phenomenon doesn’t last forever. There are definitely many girls who grow out of that train of thought and realize they should be dating the nice guys, not taking them for granted. The tricky part is finding those girls, and even trickier, finding the ones that are single.
So, until those girls are found, I propose a toast to all the nice guys. You know who you are, and I know you’re sick of hearing yourself described as ubiquitously nice. But the truth of the matter is, the world needs your patience in the department store, your holding open of doors, your party escorting services, your propensity to be a sucker for a pretty smile. For all the crazy, inane, absurd things you tolerate, for all the situations where you are the faceless, nameless hero, my accolades, my acknowledgement, and my gratitude go out to you. You do have credibility in this society, and your well deserved vindication is coming.

Declaration of War

2005-03-29T18:51:00.001+01:00

Declaration of WarAgainst the Forces of DarknessNow, before you start thinking we're talking about YOU, this is about EVIL - not people. Sure, some people are stinkers, but we're to love people and we're to hate evil. The darkness from our sinful nature is in all of us. We're not any better, it's just Christ in us that helps us be redeemed. Anyway, this is about the BIG picture, not any specific person, organization, leader, etc.
No more. It ends now.
For too long we've ignored what was going on in the church. For too long we've sat out or even denied there was a war. We've been infiltrated. We've been co-opted. We've been dumbed down. We’ve had our greatest weapons ridiculed and demeaned until nobody wants them anymore. This is no kind of way to fight a war.
We've allowed ourselves to be fattened up and we've planted roots. We've been herded together in big groups like cattle and we bump around against each other making useless noises. Wolves have come in and we’ve welcomed them. We've accepted aid from the enemies of God. We've taken the enemy's advice about how to make war. We’ve hired consultants to show us how to be more like the world.
We've ignored our own King's plan. We've sent a pitiful few skirmishing parties out to do the work of missions for us and patronized them when they come home wounded and hungry. We've given all the ammunition to the supply clerks back home and deprived the infantry of what they needed to push back the darkness. Everything about what we’re doing is upside down.
No more will we take on the names and philosophies of men to define and identify us. No more will we allow factions over secondary issues to divide us. We are to be OF Jesus and Him alone. Only He gets to put His brand on us. Only He gets to direct us. Only He is truth. This is war! Nothing else can be trusted. His is the unbreakable cypher. Pure, full, uncut Truth cannot be spoken by the enemy. Truth and Love are our uniform, our code, our defining characteristic. Only Truth and Love will suffice for battle against principalities and forces of darkness.
No more will we waste time on our own vain pleasures and indulgences. No more will we allow the egos and prides and traditions and philosophies of Man to divide us. We will love Truth and settle for nothing less. We will learn to sniff out and purge compromise and half-truths. We will force out of us every bad dark thing by being completely filled with the Bread of Life. We will be nourished by Truth. We will be armored by Truth. We will swing the Sword of Truth in big wide circles and pierce the hearts of anyone near. We will fight and not grow weary. We will charge forward and never retreat. Should one slip, others will lift him up. Should one fall, others will take his place.
No more. It ends now. There are those that are already equipped to fight and we will enlist them, organize them and send them back out to recruit more. We'll fight with love to awaken our brethren who are asleep and get them in fighting form. We will push back the darkness by speaking nothing but TRUTH. It is rare and precious - and only Jesus is the source. Every man-made thing will burn off in the fire. Only Jesus can be trusted.
As Gideon, we will lovingly restore our own altars first while the people are sleeping. Then we can rally a restored, awakened people to fight the forces of darkness. Those on the front lines that have proven themselves good and faithful servants and stewards of their talents will be provisioned with a hundred times their own needs so that they can feed the hungry and give drink to the thirsty as they see any need. We will pray and encourage and support them and recruit more. We will always strive to continue growing up into Jesus, who is the Head.
In view of the great mercy shown us by Jesus Christ, we will offer our bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God. We will stop conforming to the pattern of this world. We will be transformed by the renewing of our minds so that we will be able to test and approve what is God’s good, pleasing and perfect will. Then we’ll go and do it.
I Corinthians 14:8 "Again, if the trumpet make an uncertain sound, who will prepare for battle?"
No more. It ends now. As clear as we can say it, this is war.

www.FellowshipOfTheMartyrs.com

Open Letter of Apology to The World (A bit long)

2005-03-29T18:51:00.000+01:00

Please bear with me, this is long overdue and there's lots of ground to cover. I want to make sure that I get it all out. Not just for me, but because I think you need to hear it. Maybe there are other Christians out there as well that need to make apologies and will find courage here. I appreciate your time, I know it's valuable.

Dear Members of the World,
I'm just a guy, nobody really. Son of a preacher and missionary. Years and years of Vacation Bible Schools, summer camps, youth ski trips, puppet shows, revivals, choir trips - you name it. Even went to a Christian college and got a degree in religion. I ended up in the business world, but I spent two decades tithing, sitting on committees, teaching Sunday School, going to seminars and conferences, etc. I even met my wife in the single's class at church. I'm not a bad guy, I've been mostly behaving myself and everybody seems to like me. I do some good stuff here and there.
But lately I've been trying to understand Jesus more and stuff I never noticed before has really started to bug me. I've been taking a look around and I'm having a hard time making sense of what it is we've built here. So, it just seemed like, whether anybody else says it or not, I need to take responsibility for the part I played and say what I have to say.

Here we go ...
I know you think that Christians are a big bunch of hypocrites. We say we're more "religious" and we're going to heaven and you're not, and then we drive our big shiny cars with little fishies on the trunk and cut you off in traffic as we race by the homeless guy on the corner. We average just 2% of our money to church and charity, despite that we say the Bible is the word of God and it says we're supposed to give everything. On average, we buy just as many big screen TVs and bass boats and fur coats and makeup and baseball cards and online porn as anybody else. Maybe more. You've seen leader after leader end up in jail or court or a sex scandal of one sort or another.
Well ... you're right. We're guilty of all of it. We've done it all. And, I'm really sorry.
You see our cheesy TV shows and slick guys begging for money and you get that there's something seriously sneaky and wrong here. A high-pressure call for money so they can stay on the air? Were we supposed to use Jesus as just another form of entertainment? Who do we think we're kidding? Where's Jesus in all this? Aren't we supposed to rely on him? Isn't He going to meet our needs if we're inside His will?
What happened to sacrifice and suffering and helping the poor? I'm just sick about this. I mean, the church leaders, they're not all bad guys, there are lots and lots of really hard-working well-meaning folks who love and care and are meeting real needs in the community. Some of them understand and love Jesus - but I'm just real sure those pastors don't drive Bentley's, have multi-million dollar homes and their own lear jets! I mean, what "god" are we worshipping? Money? Ego? Power?
You see our massive shiny new buildings all over the place. Heck, maybe we even kicked you out of your house so we could expand our parking lots. You can't figure out why we need four different Christian churches on four corners of the same intersection. We've got playgrounds and bowling alleys and basketball leagues. We've got Starbucks coffee in the sanctuary. We've got orchestras and giant chandeliers and fountains out front. We've got bookstores full of "jesus junk" with every imaginable style and flavor of religious knick-knack. But where's Jesus? Is this what HE wanted?
Oh, sure, there are good folks all over and not every church is such a mess, but Christians are the ones that say we're supposed to be "One Body." So even the good ones are guilty of not putting a stop to it sooner. We were supposed to keep each other in line and not tolerate factions and dissensions and greed and idolatry and all this other bad stuff. Man, we really blew it! We've got 33,000 denominations and most of them won't talk to the other ones. We lose over $5 million a day to fraud from "trusted" people inside the church! We spend 95% of all our money on our own comforts and programs and happy family fun time shows and we let 250 MILLION Christians in other countries live on the very edge of starvation. Not to mention the billion or so that have never even once heard of Jesus - or the homeless guy downtown we almost ran over when we cut you off.
We're as guilty as we can be. All of us. Nobody is exempt. We should have put a stop to it a lot sooner. But I can't apologize on behalf of anyone else. This is about me.
I know that you might have gone to church as a kid and stopped going as soon as you could. I know that you might even have been abused by somebody in the church! Maybe we got you all fired up and then just let you drift off like we didn't really care. Maybe you just don't fit our "profile." You might have piercings and purple hair or tattoos or been in jail -- and somewhere inside you just know that even if you wanted to go to church one Sunday, it would not go well. I'm sorry for that. Jesus loves you. He always hung out with the most unexpected people. He had the biggest heart for the folks everybody else tried to ignore. What have we done? We've told you to put on a sweater and some loafers or you can't go to heaven. I just want to throw up.
Look, I know you're mad. And you have a right to be. We've done you wrong for a LONG time now. There's some things about Jesus that people need to hear, but we've buried a beautiful masterpiece under hundreds of layers of soft pink latex paint. If you have a Bible handy, look up Matthew 23. (If you don't, you can look it up here - www.BibleGateway.com .) Find it? Read it carefully, the Pharisees were the "religious" people of the day, the leaders of the faith. In this chapter Jesus SEVEN times says how pitiful and wretched and cursed they are for what they're doing to the people they're supposed to be leading. He even calls them "white washed tombs of dead mens bones" and a "brood of vipers"! I don't have time here, but read it and see if we're not doing EVERY single one of those things. Jesus can't possibly be happy about what we've done to you.
Sure, we like to kid ourselves and pretend everything is OK - but it's not. We're hated. Now, please understand, Jesus was hated, too. But that was because he said hard things and sometimes people don't like hearing the Truth. And he promised we would be hated if we were like him. But that's not why we're hated at the moment. We're hated right now because we're a giant pack of lying hypocrites that say one thing and do something else altogether. If we were hated because we were like Jesus, that would be one thing, but that's not it at all. You see right through our happy music and fluffy services and you can tell there's something desperately wrong here. We're no different than anybody else - except that we say we're better than you.
It was never supposed to be like this. Jesus asked us to care for the widows and orphans, to feed the hungry, care for the sick, visit those in prison, reach the lost. He wanted us to love our enemies and pray for them. He cared about human justice and suffering, the lost and lonely. But I don't think He would have marched on a picket line - He had His mind on much bigger problems. He wanted us to focus on the eternal things, not the everyday. He never once said to go into all the world and build big buildings and divide up into factions and buy Bentleys. Just the opposite! I get that you're mad at us and I think you have a right to be, but please understand, you're mad at what we've made under our own power, you're mad at "Churchianity." That's different than Christ and what he wanted. Don't be mad at Jesus! This mess wasn't His idea!
Look, I'm really sorry. I accept responsibility for my part in having hurt you. But I'm committing to you all, dear Members of the World, that I'm not going to do it any more. Not a single penny more. I'm not going to put my faith in "Churchianity" or any leader or program or TV show -- but in Christ Jesus and His salvation. That's when I was set free and began to see that God wants and expects more of us than this. And I'm not helping anybody that's not fully committed to the same thing.
It took centuries to build this monster, so it's not like it's going to just turn around overnight. But the times are changing and we're way overdue for something new. Big bad things are happening - like the tsunami in Asia - and I think more are coming. I don't want any more time to go by without having said this. I'm sorry for all the time and money I've wasted. But Jesus saves. Really. The church itself isn't even the point. Jesus is the real deal. He lived and He died for my sins and He rose again. He is who He said He was and He cares about me - and you. He's our only hope. We need places you can go that will only teach Jesus and will not be swayed or tempted or distracted by anything else. God willing, that's coming.
Please don't think all Christians are just posers. Some of them really mean it when they say they belong to Christ. The problem is mostly in the West where we're all comfy and complacent and seem to like it that way. The Christians in China and other places are deadly serious. There's no room for anything but Jesus when you're on the run from the government. They are dying every day for their faith and doing crazy hard things because they're absolutely committed to Christ. These are martyrs. People willing to crucify little pieces of themselves every day to be more like Christ. People willing to set aside everything they want to do what Christ wants. People willing to rot in prison or take a beating or die if that's what it's going to take. People that act in pure love and never back down. I'm not worthy to tie their shoes. And there are some like that here, too, and I hope we can get a lot more people to start living that way. It's way overdue.
If you're talking to someone and they tell you they're a Christian, ask them if they're the kind of Christian that really means it all the time or the kind that just means it on Sunday. The Bible says we'll know them by their "fruits" - by the faith and purity and love in their deeds and words. When you find one that proves Christ is in them by how much they love you, ask them to tell you all about Jesus. If you know one of those fearless martyrs that speaks nothing but pure, clean, hard Truth - ask lots of questions. Truth is a lot more rare than you would think. But don't settle for soft, fluffy and comfortable anymore - that's not in the Bible.
If you are reading this and you are already in the church -- DON'T LEAVE! Pray hard. Listen to God's leading. Try to stay and fix it. Seek accountability from your leaders. Make sure earthly treasure is being converted into heavenly treasure as efficiently as possible. Speak nothing but Truth in love. Demand meat, not milk. Seek His face. Stop conforming to the world. Read Judges 6. We have to fix the altar in our own backyard before we can take on the larger armies rallied against us! He wants to restore His people. He wants the Bride spotless. Find others willing to help and start a little tornado of revival inside your church.
As for me and my house, we're really sorry. From now on, we're going to serve the Lord, not "Churchianity." We're going to try to call together as many of those martyrs as we can and start doing what Christ wanted. If I run into you someday, please give me a chance to shake your hand and apologize in person. I'm going to try harder from now on, I promise. I think there are lots of others feeling the same way, so don't be surprised if you start hearing stuff like this more often.

Thanks for your time. I hope it helps.
Doug Perry - Kansas City, Missouri, USAwww.FellowshipOfTheMartyrs.com fotm@FellowshipOfTheMartyrs.com
P.S. If you would like to help me get this apology to everybody in the world, please forward it on - but please don't make any changes. A PDF file is available on the website if you want to print it off. Audio, too. I think this needs to be said. Thanks!

The King's Four Wives

2005-03-03T15:57:00.000+01:00

The King's Four Wives
Author Unknown

Once upon a time there was a rich king who had four wives. He loved
his fourth wife the most and adorned her with riches. He also loved
his third wife and was always showing her off to neighboring
kingdoms. However, he always feared that she would leave him. His
second wife was kind and considerate and his trusted confidante and advisor in difficult times. Wife number one was devoted and loyal
and although she loved him deeply, he was not so interested
and
tended to ignore her.

One day, the king fell ill and knew his time was short. He thought
of his luxurious life and feared being alone when he died.

He asked his fourth wife, "I have loved you the most, endowed you
with the finest clothing and showered great care over you. Now that
I'm dying, will you follow me and keep me company?" "No way!" she
replied and walked away without another word.

The sad king then asked the third wife, "I have loved you all my
life. Now that
I'm dying, will you follow me and keep me company? "
"No!" she replied. "Life is too good! When you die, I'm going to
remarry!"

He then asked the second wife, "I have always turned to you for
help and you've always been there for me. When I die, will you
follow me and keep me company?" "I'm sorry, I can't help you out
this time!" she replied. "At the very most, I can help with your
funeral."

Then a voice called out to the king in his sadness: "I'll leave
with you and follow you no matter where you go" The king looked up
and there was his first wife. She was so skinny and undernourished.
Greatly grieved, the king said, "I should have taken much better
care of you when I had the chance!"

In truth, we all have four
wives in our lives. Our fourth wife is
our body. No matter how much time and effort we lavish in making it
look good, it'll leave us when we die. Our third wife is our
possessions, status and wealth. When we die, it will all go to
others. Our second wife is our family and friends. No matter how
much they have been there for us, the furthest they can stay by us
is up to the grave. And our first wife is our soul, often neglected
in pursuit of wealth, power and pleasures of the ego. However, our
soul is the only thing that will follow us wherever we go.

The moral of the story:

Look after your body and keep it healthy so you can live life to
its fullest.
Enjoy your possessions and
the comfort they provide.
Cherish your friends and family and the love they provide.
But don't forget to nourish your soul - it is the source of all your
life and your most faithful friend.

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10 Facts About Repentance

2005-02-04T16:09:00.000+01:00

10 Facts About Repentance

1. Repentance is a change of mind and behavior. Negatively, repentance
means turning from sin, which is defined in 1 John 3:4 as "the
transgression of the law" (KJV). On the positive side, repentance
means turning to righteousness through a life of faith and obedience,
the opposite of sin and disobedience.

2. The call to repentance is at the heart of the Kingdom message. Matthew 4:17

3. The message of repentance is essential to the great commission.
Matthew 28:18-20

4. God commands repentance. Acts 17:30

5. Repentance is a gift of God. God doesn't force anyone to repent; He
simply makes the opportunity to repent available. Acts 5:31, Acts
11:18, 2 Timothy 2:25

6. Repentance is the fruit of Godly sorrow. 2 Corinthians 7:10

7. Repentance is the fruit of God's goodness. Romans 2:4, 2 Peter 3:9

8. Repentance is necessary for salvation. Luke 13:2,5, 2 Peter 3:9

9. Repentance is inseparable from "saving faith." Ephesians 2:8-9, Hebrews 6:1

10. Repentance doesn't end with initial conversion. Repentance is a
process. It involves continuous introspection, frequent exposure to
the Word of God, regular prayer, and perhaps occasional fasting. James
4:7-10

Shyness And Assertiveness

2005-01-21T21:42:00.000+01:00

Shyness & Assertiveness

What is assertiveness?
Assertiveness is one of the tools for dealing effectively with others.
It simply means standing up for yourself, speaking directly, and
expressing effectively your ideas, wishes and concerns, without
"beating around the bush," making excuses, or apologizing.
There are two types of assertiveness-demanding situations. The first
is when someone asks you to do something that you just don't feel like
doing. There are, unfortunately, people who take advantage of others
by trying to elicit constant or excessive favors.
The second type of assertiveness-demanding situation (and this is a
point which is not always made), is one in which people behave rudely
toward you, try to put you down, insult you, or treat you in a
patronizing manner. For maintaining your self-respect, as well as for
attaining success, learning effective responses for these occasions is
critical as well.

What is the difference between assertiveness and aggressiveness?
Two important keys to effective assertiveness are cordiality and
cheerfulness. These two attributes are wonderfully disarming: who can
resent someone who asks something of them in a genuinely friendly
way-or who gently refuses a request that would cause unnecessary
inconvenience? Assertiveness doesn't mean developing a snarling, gruff
demeanor. That's aggressiveness. Assertiveness means standing up for
your rights politely, effectively, and in a way that is most likely to
elicit the desired behaviors in others.
Being cheerfully assertive actually means that you will be most likely
to maintain the goodwill of others. People respect those who stand up
for their rights in a polite, yet confident way. Assertiveness means
allowing the other person to "save face," while saving face yourself.

What are some of the traits of an unassertive person?
Those who are unassertive actually suffer from an excess of empathy.
They appreciate the other person's feelings and desires so much that
they feel guilty about giving preference to their own. But while
empathy is a highly admirable quality, too much of it, as with
anything else, is no good. Unfortunately, some people, rather than
admiring this trait in a person, simply look for further ways to
exploit it!
Another problem of assertiveness is the inability to make reasonable
requests of others. Even when making a modest request, the unassertive
person may still unconsciously feel that he's somehow imposing on the
other person. This attitude can communicate itself to the other
person--and if it does, he may agree with this assumption!
There is nothing wrong with giving people aid, bailing them out of a
jam or lending them money if you are doing so because you truly want
to. There is something wrong, however, if you're doing these things
only because you can't say no--either because you don't know how to
gracefully, or because you feel guilty about doing so.
Says UCLA assistant clinical professor Gary Emery, "We all want people
to think we're nice, but millions of people carry it too far. Every
moment of their days is spent being nice--and the damage it does to
them is enormous!" Some experts say being "too nice" can cause harmful
frustration, anger, anxiety, and depression.
Shy people may be especially prone to becoming chronic
"people-pleasers," thinking that doing favors for people will make up
for lack of extroversion in getting people to like them.
How do you know if a request you agree to is unreasonable? If you feel
resentful about it later, you can be sure that what you were asked for
was more than just a casual favor.

Should I try to join a clique?
Unfortunately, many people secretly suffer from a lack of self-esteem,
and they quite illogically decide that the best way to increase their
stature is not through a course of self-improvement but by excluding
or putting down others.
Such people get a sense of power and importance by trying to appear
superior to others; they do this by keeping others as outsiders,
excluding them from the cherished inner circle. This is the whole idea
and purpose behind the formation of cliques.
One dictionary defines a clique as "a small exclusive circle of
people; a snobbish or narrow coterie." A snob is someone who tries to
hide his own inadequacies by putting on airs. So a clique is just an
organized attempt by more than one individual to do the same.
One young girl complained to a newspaper columnist that she just
didn't seem to be able to gain entrance into a certain clique that
existed in her school. The only "cool" kids in her school were members
of the clique. All the others were "nerds."
This letter writer's beliefs may seem silly at first, and laughably
easy to dismiss, but they may be far more common than we suspect. It
obviously never occurred to this young lady that some of the kids at
her school might have been too busy trying out for the football team,
or playing in the band, or practicing for the debate team to worry
about being a member of this or that clique. But she didn't notice
these people because she was too busy victimizing herself with beliefs
that only succeeded in making her unhappy.
What, then, is the key to dealing with cliques? It is this: simply
having no interest in being a member! It is in having the self-respect
to trust your own judgment as to who is and is not worthy to have as a
friend. It is in forming your own circle of friends, and not being
worried about being a member of this clique or that one. When you have
no interest in becoming a member of a clique, an amazing thing
happens: the clique loses its power over you! And that's a power it
didn't need to have in the first place.

How should I handle "tone of voice?"
Someone who wants to be difficult can do so simply by the tone of
voice he or she uses in speaking to you. Writer Jay Carter, in his
book, Nasty People, gives the example of someone who says "How are
you?" "but he vocalizes the word you in something of a guttural
tone--the voice of disgust. If you respond with 'Screw you Jack!' then
Jack will very innocently relate to everyone that you must be in a bad
mood because all he did was ask how you were and you told him off."
Or, the difficult person might use patronizing tones in speaking to
you.
This kind of behavior seems difficult to deal with because the
antagonistic message is concealed--hidden within the tone of voice and
quite independent of any words that are spoken. Thus, you can hardly
protest "That was an unkind thing for you to say" because the
statement itself was actually neutral! And if you object to the tone
of voice used, the other person can simply claim that any affront is
completely in your imagination.
The best way to deal with this behavior, then, is simply to chuckle at
it and let it be seen that it doesn't bother you. This way you will
not only defuse any tension that might exist in the situation, but you
will keep yourself from becoming angry, frustrating, quite possibly,
the intentions of the other person. The stark contrast in your
behavioral styles could also have the positive side effect of calling
the attention of observers to the unpleasantness of the other person's
behavior and to the amiability of yours.
How should I handle teasing?
On the subject of teasing, Dr. Joyce Brothers once wrote:
...almost all teasing carries a lot of hostility with it. It's really
a coward's way to relate, because "teasing" is usually a kind of
hit-and-run attack. When the other person complains or is hurt, the
teaser can always hide behind the defense of "Oh, it was only a joke."
There are four basic ways to handle teasing: ignore it, laugh it off,
respond with the "brilliant comeback," or use what newspaper columnist
Miss Manners (Judith Martin) calls "freezing politeness." The
"brilliant comeback" is seldom easy for most people--at least, for
most people to come up with in time--so it is best to concentrate on
the other three methods.
But...just in case you are curious, here are two examples of it in action!
First, there is the story of the writer who held a reception to mark
the occasion of her latest book. A rival walked up to her and said, "I
like your book. Who wrote it for you?" "I'm glad you like it," she
replied. "Who read it to you?"
Then there is the story of Winston Churchill, who had been invited by
George Bernard Shaw to the opening night performance of one of his
plays. Shaw sent two tickets, "one for yourself, and one for a
friend--if you have one." Churchill could not attend, but asked for
tickets to the second performance--"if there is one."
If you can't think of a clever retort, Miss Manners suggests a good
"all-purpose" way to deal with rudeness, a technique she calls
"freezing politeness." "When someone says, 'God, you look awful'--a
typical remark these days," she says, "and you respond, 'Well, you
don't look so hot yourself,' you're lowering yourself to his level."
But if you look him in the eye and reply, 'How kind of you to say so,'
it might give him pause." This technique is perhaps best used on
people who aren't really teasing, but are making an unkind remark in
all seriousness. Of course, this technique won't even faze some
people.
If there is a possibility that you might not have heard the teaser,
ignore the tease. If this doesn't work (or if the tease becomes a kind
of "running gag" that the teaser hauls out whenever near you) use
weapon #2 mentioned above: when the taunts begin, simply laugh them
off and walk away. That's right; laugh them off! And I mean that
literally. Actually learn to laugh when people tease you!
The laugh should not be a sarcastic one ("well hardy-har-har"). It
should not be a bitter laugh.It should be genuine and good-natured.
The hidden message you want to be conveying is: "I'm a really
good-natured person, and that kind of remark doesn't bother me in the
slightest."
Practice your laugh at home in front of the mirror if you need to.
Just don't let the teaser know his teasing bothers you. If the teaser
thinks that his remarks don't faze you, it will take all the fun out
of his teasing. The last thing you want to do is give him what he
wants. This will only encourage him to do it again.
How do you know which technique is the best way to handle the teaser?
Unfortunately, there is no easy way. You may have to try all four
techniques to see which one works best with any particular person or
type of teasing. (In general, the "laughing" technique is best for
most situations.) Over time, you will develop a "feel" for which
technique will work best in any particular situation.
How do I work with people I don't like very well?
Robert Conklin, author and researcher in the field of human relations,
conducted a rather interesting survey. He asked 1,000 people: "Do you
feel that you don't get along well with others?" Rarely did he find
anybody who said "yes." Interestingly, however, when he asked the same
number of people to list their "three greatest pet peeves," 998
indicated that their biggest gripes in life were caused by--guess
what?--other people!
Unfortunately, despite all our efforts at good human relations, at
times in each of our lives we may have to work with people that we
just don't like very much, and who may not like us very much, either.
Perhaps this will be due to shortcomings on the part of one or both of
us, or just a simple lack of "chemistry." In any event, few of us will
be able to boast, like Will Rogers, that we "never met a man (or
woman) we didn't like."
Even more seriously, sometimes a part of your life will be determined
by such a person. Maybe it will be a team captain, a co-worker, or
even a minor supervisor. Maybe it will be the person responsible for
handing out jobs on the school newspaper, or the one who divides up
the work duties. In any event, the decisions of such a person will
affect you directly.
If this turns out to be the case, there may be times when you don't
like a decision that person made. If this is the case, try going up to
the person, smiling, making pleasant conversation, and then saying,
"You know Hal, I really would like to handle the Rogers account, if I
could. Or, Donna, I really would like a position on the school paper.
May I have one?"
Keep in mind, however, that the fact that you and the other person
failed to establish a rapport puts you at a distinct disadvantage.
This person, obviously, won't be particularly sensitive to your
wishes; he or she has no reason to be. So you should not be surprised
if he or she ignores your request. This is human nature.
The fact is, as author Vernon Howard wrote:
"Whenever someone knows that you desperately want something from him
he tends to withhold it, for it gives him a very satisfying sense of
power over you. He knows that as long as he keeps you at bay you will
continue to seek him out. That gives him a great sense of
self-importance that he won't easily give up."
Keep in mind as well that it's pointless to try too hard to get that
difficult person to change his or her mind. If he or she is being
unreasonable, you can express your opinion about the matter--once--in
as pleasant a way as possible. If you fail to change his or her mind,
however, obviously all you can do is accept the decision. If you
cannot accept the decision, then your only choice may simply be to
remove yourself from the situation you don't like and try to find a
better one.
Wrote Carnegie:
"If a man's heart is rankling with discord and ill feeling toward you,
you can't win him to your way of thinking with all the logic in
Christendom."
If you try to convince or cajole a difficult person--someone who by
definition gets his feeling of importance by having power or control
over somebody else--then you will convince him, all right--convince
him to continue doing exactly as he pleases!
So don't give such a person the satisfaction of seeing you pound your
head against the wall that he or she has set up.

What about criticism?
Dale Carnegie was also outspoken in his advice against excessively
criticizing others. He wrote in How to Win Friends and Influence
People, "By the eternals, there ought to be a law...a law for whining
parents and nagging wives and scolding employers and the whole
obnoxious parade of fault-finders." And yet, over fifty-five years
after Carnegie penned those words, only a tiny minority of the world's
people seem to follow his wise counsel against needless criticism.
Yet some writers and lecturers advise people who are criticized to try
agreeing with their critic. I call this the "reverse psychology
method" of handling criticism. Surprisingly, even Carnegie himself
recommended this method.
The idea behind the "reverse psychology method" is that once you
concede the critic's point, he will soften, and sometimes will even
retract his initial criticism.
Will this advice always work? Don't bet on it. Says Dr. Robert
Bramson, Ph.D., author of Coping With Difficult People on dealing with
chronic complainers: "Don't agree with them. That doesn't stop the
complaining; it makes them complain more! Don't apologize; because if
you say 'I'm sorry,' they'll say, 'Well, you ought to be sorry. Let me
tell you what else you're doing wrong.'"
Dr. Bramson is right. If the other person is truly trying to make
trouble (and let's face it, some people are) the "reverse psychology
method" is unlikely to work very well! Also, sometimes, people may
criticize you merely because they're in a bad mood, but at other times
they genuinely believe you are doing something wrong. So, if there's a
valid reason for doing things the way you did, tell them!
People are constantly told that refusal to listen to criticism
evidences small-mindedness and a fragile ego. From childhood on, we
are told that to improve ourselves, we must always be willing to
listen to the criticism of others. One author wrote, "Criticism is
often a gift from someone who knows what you have done wrong and is
kind enough to tell you about it."
All this can be true, but unfortunately there are those who take our
natural tendency to be open to criticism and turn it against us, using
criticism not as a helping hand to support us, but, instead, as a
clever tool to gain a psychological edge over us--yet another way to
make themselves feel important by putting another down. As Dr. Joyce
Brothers has pointed out, "People who constantly criticize others are
insecure themselves, and they try to boost their own weak egos by
attacking and belittling others."
Sidney B. Simon, in his book Negative Criticism, compared such caustic
remarks to daggers that "are just as sharp and deadly as those made of
steel and borne by assassins" He wrote: "Perhaps we shouldn't be, but
we are definitely diminished to some degree when criticized. And that
feeling of diminishment is represented by that chunk of us that gets
burned away by the shock of negative criticism."
Dealing effectively with criticism is one of the greatest problems of
assertiveness because there are so many kinds of criticism. There's
loving criticism and there's hateful criticism. There's valid
criticism and there's groundless criticism. Sometimes, criticism can
be loving, yet groundless, hateful, yet valid! And there's a whole
range and combination of degrees in between.
How should I handle criticism?
Criticisms must be handled with tact. Often, a criticism can be turned
around into an interesting philosophical discussion as to the best way
to approach a particular task. How well you handle yourself around
people influences their level of respect for you.
Another important point: not only should you counter unjustified
criticism, but you must also not allow yourself to get upset by it! If
difficult people see you get upset, they'll simply get more
satisfaction out of criticizing you. If they see that you handle it
effectively, they'll eventually give up--and may even discover a
new-found respect for you.
All this does not mean that you must become unwilling to listen to
other opinions. What it does mean is that you must learn to calmly
give your side of an argument if you believe you are in the right.
Newspaper columnist Miss Manners (Judith Martin) once addressed the
subject of how to respond when your country is unfairly criticized.
Her advice applies equally well to any situation.
A writer to her column complained that when hosting a dinner party in
her home for foreign visitors, the simple question "Are you enjoying
your stay in the United States?" brought forth a barrage of criticisms
about the country in which they were guests. The host and hostess were
uncertain about what to do or say, and had to sit through such
"America-bashing" for more than an hour. "Our feeble attempts to
defend our nation's habits didn't end the discussion," the hostess
complained.
Miss Manners instructive reply was that one's choice was not "between
submitting to national insult and committing the rudeness of
chastising one's guests." The examples she gave of a polite and calm
defense of our nation can also serve as a fine example of what to do
when you or a friend or a project or a habit of yours is unfairly
criticized, and ran as follows:
"Oh dear, I'm sorry you had so much trouble getting through. What is
the telephone system like in your country?"
"No, no, we don't consider that our cuisine. It's what we call 'junk
food,' and we love it for snacks and fun, but we also have serious
cooking and are really very health-conscious. But didn't I hear that
American fast food places are doing fabulous business in your
country?"
"Well, you see, we enjoy the rough and tumble of the democratic
process. Perhaps it's like the way your people turn out for bicycle
races."
Miss Manners continued with similar examples of responses to gripes
about television, so-called intrusiveness, young people's fashions,
and so on. (1988, United Feature Syndicate, Inc.)
The point is this: there are two sides to every argument. Defending
yourself gracefully against criticism simply means presenting your
point of view in a manner that is calm, rational and even-tempered. In
short, there is a delicate but attainable balance between keeping
yourself open to fair criticism and defending yourself gracefully
against that which is not.
Learning to acknowledge the merits of a critic's opinion, and then
giving your own views as well, is the most effective way to do this.

How can I be more assertive in a group conversation?
Surprisingly, very little has been written on the subject of group
conversations in books on shyness. But group conversations are
important; how well you participate in group conversations, meetings,
etc., can determine your success and level of acceptance in a work
setting as well as any other situation in which you find yourself with
other people.
Fortunately, there are also specific techniques that can determine
your success in group conversations just as with one-on-one
conversations.
Actually, there are several advantages to group conversations. For one
thing, it is easier to keep conversation going; there are more
participants and thus less fear of running out of things to say; fewer
awkward silences. However, group conversations also present certain
challenges as well. Let's explore some of these, as well as the ways
to deal with them.

Twelve Challenges of Group Conversations
Thinking faster / Thinking of germane personal experiences
Group conversations can sometimes be difficult for the shy person.
Anecdotes fly fast and furious when there are many people involved in
the conversation. Everyone in the group is jockeying for attention. As
Francis Rodman once said, "Think twice before you speak-and you'll
find everyone talking about something else." By the time the shy
person has marshaled his or her thoughts on a particular topic, the
rest of the group may indeed have gone on to a different subject.
If you have trouble thinking of things to say quickly, then you may
have trouble with some group conversations unless you increase your
speed.
Making self heard / Finding openings
Another challenge of group conversations, and one closely related to
the previous point, is finding openings in a fast-paced group
conversation. Getting into a group conversation is kind of like
getting onto a crowded freeway; so many people are offering opinions
or relating anecdotes that it's hard for the shy or unassertive person
sometimes to find an opening!
Don't let someone exclude you from the conversation. If you're part of
the group, join in! don't think your participation isn't welcome. If a
group allowed you to be part of it, it should allow you to be part of
the conversation, as well.
Remember, as a member of a group, you have just as much right to enter
into the conversation as anybody else. If somebody excludes you either
innocently or deliberately, then you must assert yourself.
Less control over topics under discussion
In a group conversation, since so many people are involved and each
plays a role in determining which topics are discussed, this means
that any individual member has less control than he or she would have
in a one-on-one discussion. This can cause difficulty in the two
following cases:
Not having interest in the topic under discussion
In a group conversation, you may not always be fascinated by the topic
which is picked up by the rest of the group. One of the rules of
etiquette is to participate gamely in the conversation anyway.
Skillful talkers are able to pick up on almost any subject and "run
with it." Fortunately, topics can change quickly during a group
conversation, so you probably don't have to wait long before a more
interesting subject comes your way.
Not having knowledge of topic under discussion
A trickier problem is when the entire group is discussing a subject
that you have absolutely no knowledge about. Maybe the group is
talking about sports or soap operas or U.F.O.s. Or maybe the
discussion is centered around people you don't know. This makes it
difficult for you to participate in the conversation. Using the
various techniques discussed in this chapter can help you get around
this problem. If worse comes to worse, you can start a one-on-one
conversation with another individual in the group.
Adopting personality/tone of group
This creates rapport with the other members. What does this mean? It
simply means being enthusiastic and cheerful about the group
conversation. It means picking up on the topics that the group wants
to discuss. It also means participating in the conversation
whole-heartedly and with gusto. That is what being outgoing is all
about..
Not interrupting
This is an important point in group conversations-and one that is
all-too-often ignored by group conversation participants. There is a
tendency to get so excited by a conversation that you inadvertently
"step on the toes" of the other participants. This is especially true
during group conversations because there are so many participants and,
thus less time proportionately for each participant to hold the floor.
This means that each participant must be particularly sensitive to the
amount of time he or she is grabbing the limelight and be willing to
relinquish it to someone else.
Showing equal interest/courtesy for all participants
This is, of course, important. Sure, some of the members of the group
will be more interesting to you than others. Sure, you'll find more
interest in the topics some members bring up than others.
Nevertheless, it is important to show equal courtesy and consideration
for all the members of the group. Try to expand on the points that
everyone brings up. You might even help someone who seems to be
excluded from the conversation to get his or her two cent's worth in
as well by saying things like, "What do you think about that, George?"
or "What was that you said, Linda? I couldn't hear you over everyone
else."
Resisting the temptation to abruptly change the subject
Just as it is important not to abruptly change the subject in a
one-on-one conversation, so too is it important not to do so in a
group conversation. Try to follow the direction the group is taking.
Of course, this doesn't mean you can't introduce your own topics into
the conversation, but don't overdo it.
Parallel conversations
Sometimes a group conversation will split off into what I call
"subgroups." Two or more members of the group conversation will go off
onto another topic while the rest of the group continues to talk about
the current subject (or vice-versa). This can sometimes be confusing,
because you then have two or more groups of people talking at the same
time. Although there is no rule of etiquette that says that everyone
in a group has to be talking about the same subject at the same time,
carrying on parallel conversations does require more concentration
than usual. You must also decide which tangent you're more interested
in and then participate in that one.
Being an "Outsider"
Sometimes, especially when you are a new member of a group, you may
find that the topics you bring up are not shown much interest by the
others. You may feel you are not one of the "insiders" of the group
and are, in effect, being left out by the rest of the group. In most
cases, this is not true. After all, the group would not have allowed
you to be a part of it if your input wasn't wanted. At first, however,
you may have to be more aggressive to get yourself heard in a group
situation than would if you were well-known by the other members of
the group. This is simply one of the "rites of membership." You should
remember that the only way to become accepted is to speak up and show
that you have something to say, not to give up and shrink into the
corner. This is the time to be assertive. And this leads us to the
final challenge of group conversations.
Not being shown much interest by the group "leader"
Many times, a group will have what I call a "leader." This is usually
the most outgoing or articulate member of the group. As author Elliot
Russell points out, "He is the most important individual...because
without him, conversation would end and the group would disperse."
People are attracted to him because conversation seems to flow so
effortlessly when he's around. (Remember that many people, not just
those traditionally considered "shy," often have trouble keeping
conversations going by themselves.)
Quite often, however, the "leader" also controls the direction the
conversation takes. Since he and the entire group knows that without
him, there would be no conversation, he carries a good deal of weight
in determining what topics are discussed. If he shows interest in a
point a particular member brings up, then he will expand on that
point, and the conversation will usually proceed from there. If not,
then he will simply go on to another topic, and the rest of the group
will tend to follow obediently along behind him. Needless to say, how
much status a particular member has with the group leader often
determines how much attention his opinions will be given by the rest
of the group! Since the leader has a certain amount of power and he
knows it, his ego can quite often get carried away in the situation.
How do you handle this particular scenario, then? What if you are a
new member of a club, or a new employee at a workplace? If you feel
you are somewhat of an outsider, rather than trying to gain the
attention of the leader, instead try to gain the attention and esteem
of the other group members. Herald and acclaim the points they bring
up. Show great interest and comment on the things they have to say. If
possible, try to form one-on-one conversations with them before or
after the group "convenes." If you gain their respect and goodwill,
then it is likely that you will gain the respect of the leader as
well.

What is a good way to learn to be more assertive?
One aid in learning assertiveness, as with any interactive skill, is
through visualization. This technique allows you to come to grips with
your feelings. When you give yourself time to think things through,
you have less likelihood, and thus less fear, of doing "the wrong
thing"--of handling a situation badly. You decide in advance which
behaviors are appropriate for which assertiveness-demanding
situations. You also imagine the worst things that could happen to you
if you are assertive. Chances are, you will discover that they are not
so terrible, after all.
The next step is imagining how you will handle the various possible
responses to your assertive behavior. Finally, choose the most
effective responses to what the other person might say, then visualize
yourself delivering them. When you give yourself time to think things
through (which is essentially what visualization is), things that used
to cause you fear will suddenly become more manageable.
Just as you need to make a good impression the first time you meet
somebody, you need to create an assertive impression the first time
somebody tries to take advantage of you. If you don't, it will be much
harder to do so the second time.
People often treat shy people in ways they wouldn't think of with
those who are more extroverted. Just as a schoolyard bully will pick
on somebody smaller and weaker than himself, so will the verbal bully
look for somebody he thinks is less capable of verbally defending
himself.
Interestingly, aggressive people (especially in a highly competitive
environment) will often "test" the resolve of the new people with
which they come into contact to "gauge" their assertiveness. This is
their way of finding out just how "controllable" someone is.
Confident, assertive behavior will tend to gain their respect, while
unsureness or hesitation will usually invite further aggressive
behavior.
In short, mastering the art of assertiveness means everybody wins,
nobody loses. Other people respect you more, and you like yourself
more.
The best way to learn to deal with difficult people is to write down
the situations and encounters you have with them and then to
repeatedly visualize yourself responding effectively to them (see the
section on visualization in this FAQ). Fortunately, visualization can
be used to learn to deal with difficult people just as it can be used
to learn to deal with any other type of social interaction.
To use visualization to learn to deal with difficult people, start to
keep a written record of those situations in which you have trouble
with them. Then set aside a regular time during your daily
visualization sessions to think about the encounters in which you feel
you've been treated poorly. Be sure to give yourself plenty of time to
enter a relaxed state beforehand. You want to start to associate a
feeling of relaxation with the unpleasant task of dealing with
difficult people, since remaining calm is one of the most important
steps to doing so effectively.
Next call up the difficult encounter in your mind. Review mentally the
way you actually responded during the encounter. Are you satisfied or
dissatisfied with that response? Why?
Next, act out in your imagination the various ways you could have
handled that situation. After a few mental run-throughs, the best
response will become readily apparent.
The final step is to go over the situation in your mind repeatedly
until you really feel comfortable with the idea of behaving in the way
you decided was best. Do this with every difficult behavior you
encounter, and continue to make a note of new situations with which
you have difficulty. Repeat the visualizations occasionally to
reinforce the desired behaviors in your mind. If you keep this up, you
will eventually find yourself becoming more and more effective in
dealing with the difficult behaviors in your everyday life.

Overcoming Shyness II

2005-01-21T21:41:00.000+01:00

Overcoming Shyness

What is the best way to overcome shyness?
Probably the best way to overcome shyness is Systematic (or Graduated)
Desensitization. This is contrasted with a technique called
"flooding," in which the shy person is immediately exposed to a feared
situation. This experience is supposed to be cathartic.
This is the advice that is often given shy people. "You've got to mix
and mingle with people-that's the only way you're going to overcome
your shyness! Go to a party, and plunge right in!" This is something
akin to telling someone who's deathly afraid of water to plunge into
the deep end of a swimming pool!
Systematic desensitization, on the other hand, involves discovering
what you are afraid of, breaking that feared activity down into
smaller steps and finally taking those steps on one at a time,
gradually moving from the easiest step to the most difficult.
The first step toward practicing systematic desensitization is to list
those situations which cause you shyness or anxiety. The list should
be arranged in increasing order of difficulty; that is, with the
easiest interactions listed first, progressing down toward those which
cause greater and greater anxiety. To make this task easier, below is
a list of social situations arranged in what I think will be roughly
increasing difficulty for most shy people. You can use this list as a
framework for your own list. The list progresses from the mildest
social situations to the most difficult.
LIST OF SHYNESS SITUATIONS
Conversing with a close relative
Calling information and asking the operator for a telephone number
Calling a local store and asking about the price and availability of
an item you want to buy
Asking a clerk in a store for the location of a certain product
Asking a store clerk for information about a certain product.
Asking a reference librarian for help in finding certain information
Making brief conversation with a store clerk while having your
merchandise rung up, or with a waitress while placing an order
Entering into a lengthier conversation with a store clerk or waitress
Conversing with a friend of a member of your family
Conversing with a friend of an older member of your family
Initiating a conversation with a member of your church who's your own age
Initiating a conversation with a member of your church who's older than you
Initiating a conversation with a church leader
Conversing with a distant relative
Talking to your hair stylist or barber while having your hair cut
Initiating a conversation with a stranger while waiting in line at the
grocery store or movie theater
Initiating a conversation with a stranger while waiting in the
doctor's office or repair shop
Initiating a conversation with someone while waiting at a bus stop
Introducing yourself and entering into a conversation with a new neighbor
Introducing yourself and entering into a brief conversation with a classmate
Introducing yourself and entering into a lengthier conversation with a classmate
Initiating a conversation with someone in the school cafeteria
Initiating a brief conversation with a classmate of the opposite sex
Initiating a brief conversation with an attractive classmate of the opposite sex
Initiating a lengthier conversation with a classmate of the opposite sex
Initiating a lengthy conversation with an attractive classmate of the
opposite sex
Raising your hand and volunteering information in class
Volunteering information in a class in which you are not required to
raise your hand
Participation in a "round-robin" discussion in class
Asking your teacher for clarification on something you don't
understand in private
Asking your teacher for clarification on something you don't
understand in front of the rest of the class
Initiating a friendly conversation with a teacher or instructor before
or after class
Returning defective merchandise to a store
Returning merchandise to a store because you decide you don't like it
Asking for satisfaction from service personnel, such as a car mechanic
Asking your doctor a list of questions that you want answered
Asking your doctor for clarification on something you don't understand
Carrying on a regular conversation with your doctor
Starting a conversation with a new co-worker
Starting a conversation with your boss
Going with a buddy to a party attended by people whom you know
Going with a buddy to a party attended by strangers
Going by yourself to a party attended by people whom you know
Going by yourself to a party attended by strangers
Going with a friend to an office party or picnic attended by
co-workers, their friends and their families
Going by yourself to an office party or picnic
Going to a club or organization meeting and striking up a conversation
with the people there
Asking someone you find "average-looking" out on a date
Asking someone you find attractive out on a date
Going out on a date with someone you find "average looking"
Going out on a date with someone you find attractive
Meeting your date's parents
Spending an evening with your date's parents
Dancing at a social event
Going to a singles bar and striking up a conversation with people there
Calling local employers and asking for a job interview
Going to a job interview
Going to a very important job interview
Giving a speech in front of a small group
Giving a speech in front of a large group
Giving a speech in front of a very large group
Paste this list of situations into your word processor. Eliminate any
situations that aren't a problem for you, and add any that may not be
included. Next, arrange them in ascending order of difficulty. After
you have done so, print them out.
The next step is to tackle these shyness-producing situations one at a
time, progressing from the easiest to the most difficult. To do this,
you must set goals for yourself.
Set aside a couple of weeks for each shyness situation. Every day,
make a deliberate point of getting into a situation in which you will
have an opportunity to practice a skill on your list which you have
set aside to practice during that week. When you have practiced a
particular skill on your list every day for two weeks, move on to the
next one. Continue this way until you have worked your way completely
down the list.
This technique doesn't work perfectly, because life doesn't always
hand out experiences in the order we've decided would be best, but
don't worry; the technique will still be effective.
Another tip: most of these situations can be made more challenging by
increasing how much time you spend in that situation, or by increasing
the difficulty in some other way. For example, you may have no trouble
asking a librarian to help you find something, but entering into a
brief conversation with him or her may be a little more difficult. Or,
a short conversation with someone you meet at school may be easy, but
a longer one may be more challenging. In this way you can "fine tune"
your graduated desensitization regimen in a way that allows you to
achieve a very smooth increase in its difficulty level.
One of the easiest ways to begin is to try striking up little
conversations with store clerks. This gives you an opportunity to
practice overcoming your shyness every time you pick up a magazine or
buy a candy bar. The conversations don't have to be long ones, and you
can close the conversation whenever you wish. Another advantage is
that since you have no need to see these people again, you have no
reason to be upset if you say something you later decide was less than
brilliant. Of course, make sure there isn't a long line of other
shoppers waiting behind you when you try this technique!

What is visualization?
"Visualization," "imaging," or "cognitive behavioral rehearsal" is the
process of creating detailed mental pictures of behaviors you wish to
assume. It can be a useful supplement to your other efforts at
overcoming shyness. In effect, it is a way of practicing in your mind
behaviors that you wish to acquire in real life.
And research shows that visualization can really help. Researchers at
Louisiana State University found that people could actually increase
the amount of weight they could lift by visualizing themselves doing
so.
Daydreaming is a form of visualization. The difference between
visualization and daydreaming, however, is that there are gaps in
daydreams, and we picture some hypothetical event that will probably
never take place. In the visualization process, by contrast, we
picture something that is more likely to happen and imagine the
step-by-step process by which we will handle it.
You need to practice visualization when you know you can relax without
fear of interruption. Try to choose a time when nobody else is home,
or, if this is not possible, go to a room by yourself and hang a "Do
Not Disturb" sign on the door. (It is okay to tell people what you are
doing.)
Before you begin your visualization session, you should relax for a
few minutes. You need no special regimen. If you are familiar with
yoga, meditation, or another relaxation discipline you may practice it
briefly before beginning visualization. Otherwise, kicking off your
shoes, putting your feet up, and going into a quiet mood will be fine.
It is important, however, to be relaxed when visualizing because you
want to subconsciously associate a feeling of relaxation with the
social situations that you are about to mentally rehearse. When you
actually enter into a situation you visualized, you want to be able to
recall that relaxed state vividly.
When you feel you are sufficiently relaxed you are ready to start the
visualization process.
1: Close your eyes and picture the scene that causes you shyness as
vividly and accurately as possible. Picture the people who are
involved in the scene. What do they say? How do you respond?
2: If you are visualizing something that happened in the past, picture
the scene as it actually happened as vividly as possible. What is it
that was difficult about this situation?
3: What did the other person (or people) say? What did you say? What
do you feel was inadequate about your performance?
4: Now visualize the exact same scene again. Picture what the other
person said to you. But this time, picture yourself responding as you
wish you had responded. Or, if you initiated the interaction, picture
yourself doing so as you wish you had, effectively, self-confidently.
If you have trouble knowing what this would be, think of an outgoing
person you admire and picture how he or she would handle the
situation. Imagine yourself behaving the same way.
5: Now picture how you think the other person might have responded to
you had you acted the way you wished. Then visualize your next move or
statement, his or her response, and so on, until you think the
interaction is completed.
6: If you are visualizing something that will happen in the future,
you must make a number of suppositions. Who do you expect to be
talking to? Is it likely to be a man or a woman? Have you met this
person before? What is the setting? What do you wish to accomplish
with the interaction? How should you approach this person? What do you
think you should say? What do you expect the other person to say? How
will you respond? Visualize this scene repeatedly until you think you
have worked out all the details and have determined what your best
approach will be and how you will respond to various possible
behaviors on the part of the other person. Picture yourself being
relaxed, friendly, confident.
The important thing to remember when visualizing is not simply to
think "I must be more outgoing," but to actually see yourself being
more outgoing. See every step of your desired behavior as if it were
projected on a movie screen. Just as you mentally "see" various
scenarios acted out when you daydream, so must you "see" them when you
visualize. As with any other skill, your ability to visualize will
improve with practice.
A few other tips: First, be realistic about what you're visualizing.
Don't see yourself as being the "life of the party" right away.
Instead, look at the graduated desensitization list that you made up
in the previous section, start visualizing the first thing that causes
you shyness, and work your way up from there.
20-30 minutes a day is a good amount of time to devote to visualization.

How can I become a better conversationalist?
While the shy person generally wants to be seen as friendly, he or she
often has trouble making conversation right off the bat with a new
acquaintance. Also, much of the nervousness associated with shyness
stems from the fear of not being able to think of anything to say. So
improving conversational skill can help relieve much of the anxiety
commonly associated with shyness.
My advice to the average person would be, "Give the other person a
chance to speak!" To converse means to exchange thoughts and opinions.
Conversing is not lecturing; it's an exchange. However, since most shy
people's problem is not one of talking too much, but too little, my
advice to them is exactly the opposite: you must make a hobby of
thinking of things to talk about, of constantly storing up
conversational subjects for later use.
It is often helpful to try to think up potential conversational topics
in advance of situations in which you know that some conversation may
be appropriate. Constantly consider how the people and activities
going on around you could be good topics for conversation. At odd
moments throughout the day, imagine yourself running into new
acquaintances and the subjects you could discuss with them.
What about getting someone to talk about his or her pet interests? In
this case, you will increase your edge if you know something about the
subject under discussion. Read magazines and the newspaper. (Reader's
Digest seems to be designed with conversation in mind, with its
moderate-length articles on a wide variety of subjects.)
It has been said that the best conversationalists know a little about
a lot of things. Of course, it is impossible for you to have personal
knowledge about everything. But the human mind is a vast storehouse of
knowledge. You will find that you can relate to almost every subject
if you apply the following techniques.
· Ask Questions (obviously)!
· Think of someone else you know who relates to the subject. For
example, if you meet somebody who's in, say, the naval reserves and
you have a friend or a cousin who is as well, this is a great common
ground for conversation.
· Bring up something you've read on the subject (this is where all
that reading comes in handy).
· Bring up something that you have personal knowledge about that
relates to subject under discussion. For example, say the other
person's joy in life is skiing. You've never done any of that, but you
have enjoyed ice skating. These two activities are similar enough that
you may find you have much common ground for discussion.
· The more conversation you have with people, in fact, the better
conversationalist you will become. This is true for two reasons:
first, you get more practice at conversing. Second, and less
obviously, the more people you know, the broader will be your range of
contacts and shared knowledge, and therefore, the more subjects you
will be able to indirectly relate to.
Remember that first impressions are important, and the first
conversation you have with each new person you meet will set the stage
for the future relationship. Therefore, when you are introduced to
someone you expect to meet again, you should do the following things:
1. Learn that person's name.
2. Enter into a conversation with that person, and focus the
conversation on that person.
3. Remember the facts that came out about the person in the initial
conversation. This is extremely valuable, as it will ease much of the
difficulty of thinking of things to say in future conversations.
For example, in subsequent conversations you can ask about the other
person's children, hobbies, interests, and any other facts that came
out about the other person in the prior conversation. Therefore,
cultivating a good memory about people will make you a better
conversationalist and will ease much of the fear about what to say to
people in subsequent meetings. If you apply this technique
successfully, you will also never have to worry about running out of
things to talk about, as the previous conversation will always suggest
new lines of discussion for the current conversation.

How can I deepen the conversation?
Small talk is very important. It is the social lubricant by which
people get to know each other. However, many shy people complain that
they don't know how to move beyond small talk to more substantial, and
therefore more interesting, subjects. In their second, third, fourth,
and fifth conversations with a person they still find themselves hung
up on such trivial topics as the weather or the quality of food in the
cafeteria! Therefore, let's explore some of the many ways you can
deepen a conversation:
· Give your opinion on something. "I think Mr. Bramage was a more
interesting instructor than Mr. Hill because..."
· Ask the other person's opinion on something: "Who has been your
favorite lecturer so far? Why?"
· Politely disagree with the other person: "Well, I agree with you
that progress can't be stopped. However, I don't agree that knocking
down historic structures is a form of progress..."
· Introduce a controversial topic or opinion into the discussion: "I
was reading about an expert in the newspaper today who said there is
not a single scientific shred of evidence to support the existence of
E.S.P."
· Think of how something the other person just said leads to a deeper
topic. "Your mention of orange juice reminds me of something I heard
about the cancer-fighting benefits that are claimed for it, as well as
other fruit and vegetable juices. Do you believe that?"
· Introduce politics into the discussion-but do so carefully: "Are you
voting in the next election? Why?" (Or, "Why not?") Or, "Do you have a
political affiliation? Why do you feel that way?" If you find that the
other person not only shares many of your viewpoints, but enjoys
talking about this subject, you may have a rich source of conversation
here. (Of course, you can talk politics even if your viewpoints
conflict, but you have to tread very carefully in this case.)
The old "Dale Carnegie" technique of asking questions ("Where are you
from?" How do you like it here?" "Where did you live before this?") is
a good way of starting a conversation and showing interest in the
other person. Think up lists of questions to ask people under various
circumstances. In fact, your initial conversation should be focused on
the other person.
Be careful, though; if the other person gives short answers or you ask
too many questions in rapid succession, this technique will start to
sound like a third degree rather than a real conversation. This idea
is no substitute for being able to talk well yourself.
Find more conversational tips in the section on dating.

How can I make friends?
If you are still in school, take adult education classes, or join
clubs or organizations, you should succeed in forming a goodly number
of acquaintances. But how do you go about turning some of these
acquaintances into friends?
First, you should acquire an instinct for judging which acquaintances
are likely candidates for friendship. If you find a conversation you
have with somebody to be stimulating, and the other person seems to
enjoy it too, that is certainly a good sign. Maybe the other person
shares one of your interests or passions. If so, you can take the next
step toward friendship immediately.
More likely, you will decide that a person is a good candidate for
friendship only after several conversations with him or her. This is
why places such as classes, clubs, church, and organizations that
allow you to come into contact with the same people repeatedly will
probably be the most promising as far as making friends goes.
If you find that you enjoy the other person's company and he or she
enjoys yours, the two of you are certainly good candidates for
friendship. How do you know if the other person enjoys your company?
Simple: the other person will continue to seek you out for
conversation.
Congratulations! You have found a potential friend. The next step is
to invite him or her to some activity not far removed from the setting
in which you normally find yourselves. For example, arrange to eat
lunch, go for a walk, or study together. This will allow the two of
you to gauge your compatibility with each other in a relaxed, casual
setting. The best sign of a mutually rewarding friendship is when the
other person reciprocates your invitations to lunch and to other
activities.
The final step towards sealing your friendship is to invite your
friend on more elaborate outings together, say a game of tennis, a
trip to the museum, an expedition at your shopping mall, or attendence
at a local concert.
It is important to emphasize that making friends, like so many other
things in life, is largely a numbers game. That is, the odds of any
single person you meet becoming a close friend are small. But the more
people you meet, the greater will be your chances of truly connecting
with someone-of finding someone who shares your enthusiasms and enjoys
your company as much as you enjoy his or hers. This is why you must
overcome the reticence that accompanies shyness. If you fail to strike
up conversations with new people, you will be severely cutting your
chances of making friends.
Can the Web help you make friends? At the bottom of this page is a
link to SocialNet. SocialNet.com provides free services that let
people connect with others in their own community for the most
important aspects of their lives - work, leisure, friendships and
romance.
Members choose the type of relationship they want, then fill out
profiles about themselves and the type of person they'd like to meet.
SocialNet.com is designed to be a safe, user-friendly place to meet
someone on the Web.
I am adding this link because the service is free. I welcome your
feedback on whether SocialNet.com helps you and if I should keep the
link on this site.

The Dating Game

2005-01-21T21:09:00.001+01:00

The Dating Game

How can I attract the opposite sex?
First you have to meet eligible singles. If you're still in school,
your job is relatively easy. You're surrounded by hundreds of people
every day, half of whom are of the opposite gender. If your school is
not coeducational or if you're in trade school and most or all of your
peers are of the same sex, or, of course, if you're past school age,
your job will be a little more difficult. Then you'll simply have to
be a little more imaginative in finding ways to meet potential dates.
Places typically recommended by "experts" include the laundromat, the
shopping mall, and the supermarket. The laundromat can indeed be a
good place to meet available singles. Every patron spends at least an
hour there with little to do but wait for the "wash" or "dry" cycle to
finish. This makes the people more receptive to conversational
initiatives by others, as well as for allowing ample time for
conversations to develop.
The supermarket or the shopping mall may be less attractive as
potential singles meeting grounds, however. True, the romantic image
of the supermarket may consist of meeting the man or woman of one's
dreams in the frozen food section: you and he (or she) smile at each
other, your hands brush as you reach for the T.V. dinners, and the
next thing you know, a wonderful conversation has ensued. And the
shopping mall is said to be a favorite hang-out--at least for young
people. But for the chronically shy, both these settings may hold less
promise than more structured ones. They fear many people go to these
places not so much to meet people as to simply make purchases. The
fact that few, if any, strangers may have struck up conversations with
them there indicates that most people are not receptive to the idea of
these places as informal "singles bars." And for the shy person, where
even little details matter, any lack of receptivity by another person
can be fatal to one's self-confidence.
On the other hand, there is one thing to be said for shopping malls:
the specialty stores. If you notice someone browsing in your favorite
section of the book or record store or some other specialty shop, this
is a good indication that the two of you share similar interests,
which can be grounds for conversation and getting to know each other
better.
Letting friends and relatives know that you are looking for a
companionable dating partner can sometimes turn up leads. You might be
able to get introductions through these people and at the very least,
names and telephone numbers.
Another good way to meet potential dates, if you're past school age,
is by enrolling in a local adult-education course.
Various enterprising people in our society have set up a variety of
mechanisms to help compatible singles meet each other in an effort to
supplement the traditional ones. One of these is the video dating
service. Available singles are interviewed on videotape, as well as
watching videotaped interviews of other singles. This allows them to
"see" potential dating partners before they arrange their first date.
Although this can be a bit pricey, it may be worth investigating for
those who are at ease before a camera.
In addition, there are the "900" telephone numbers, phone lines that
people call up to chat with a bunch of other people and possibly
arrange dates. Unfortunately, these don't seem to be very promising.
The charge for these calls can be pretty stiff, and the conversation
can be pretty strained. And there's no guarantee that a person you
would like to meet will be calling the line at the same time you are,
anyway. There are better ways to meet people. In short, as one woman's
magazine put it, "Romance can't flourish at a dollar per minute."
Another place, it is generally agreed, that the shy person (and nearly
everybody else, for that matter) should not spend their time looking
for dates is in the so-called "singles bars." In this
highly-competitive atmosphere, those with the cleverest "lines" or the
most seemingly self-confident manner are the ones likely to get the
most attention. Here, too, people are most likely to have their guard
up to avoid being seen as merely another "conquest" by those around
them. The singles bar scene is described by those who have experienced
it as more like a "game" than a real way to meet the opposite sex. Not
very promising for most people.
What About the Classified Ads? Should you advertise in the personal
columns? Many people are uncomfortable with the idea of "marketing"
themselves like a soft drink or a bottle of mouthwash. But for the shy
person, the personals may be a way of meeting people that is worth a
second look.
A misconception is that those who use the personals are simply looking
for "one night stands." Some people are, but as Marie Edwards and
Eleanor Hoover point out in The Challenge of Being Single, the
obviousness of these types of people makes them easy to avoid. And in
fact, many of the advertisers in single's columns are looking for
long-term relationships and even marriage.
Aren't the personal ads an "artificial" way to meet people, though?
Not really. Some people find the traditional dating scene--hanging out
in bars, or trying to think of a "cute" or "clever" opening line--to
be truly artificial. If the participants in a single's column are
truthful, this way of meeting people can be one of the most honest
there is. Everybody is totally up front about what they are looking
for in a person before they even meet--what could be more honest than
that?
Are the single's ads dangerous, though? Not with a little common
sense. There are several layers of protection. First, advertisers and
respondents are anonymous. Last names, phone numbers and addresses
need only be exchanged when both participants feel comfortable doing
so. Secondly, the advertiser can screen out replies and the respondent
can screen out ads, eliminating any that may seem questionable. Third,
the relationship can proceed in stages, first with letters, then with
telephone calls, and finally with coffee or lunch. Fourth, initial
meetings can (and should) be held in a public place. Perhaps a
restaurant, maybe a coffeehouse, or just a spot in the park. And
finally, if a friend is informed about plans and schedules, a fifth
layer of protection will be added. Although all relationships (even
traditional ones) can have their dangers, following these precautions
makes using the personals relatively safe.
I shall now make a case, however, for what I think is one of the best
ways to meet compatible members of the opposite sex: and that is, in
the club or organization.
By "club or organization," I mean a volunteer group, a church, a civic
or a hobbyist organization. As a member of such a group, you will form
a sense of camaraderie with the others. You demonstrate that you have
a genuine concern and interest in the things the other people in the
group are interested in.
Joining a volunteer group is a great way of meeting compatible people.
If you're interested in the environment, join an environmental group.
If you're concerned about illiteracy, join a literacy tutoring
program. You'll meet people who not only share the same interests, but
probably the same sensitivities as well. Of course, you must be
genuinely concerned about the issue the group is involved in. If you
join such a group merely as a means to meet other people, the others
will spot your phoniness and resent you for it. You probably won't
find the people you meet very interesting, either. However, when you
stick with a volunteer group, you automatically create a sense of
partnership with others. You demonstrate that you have a genuine
concern and interest in the things other people are concerned about!
Another good way to meet potential dates, if you're past school age,
is by enrolling in a local adult-education course. Such courses are
available for a moderate fee and offer instruction in everything from
relaxation techniques to creative writing to ice skating. Of course,
these classes will require you to overcome your shyness fairly
quickly, since the average class lasts only a few weeks. However, a
class is a setting at which you know the same people will be present
every week, so you have an extended period to get to know them better.
This allows you to avoid the awkwardness or abruptness of trying to
arrange dates or other outside activities with a virtual stranger
after only one meeting.
How do I ask for a date?
The whole process of dating is a source of confusion for many people.
One young girl wrote an advice columnist asking how she was supposed
to make a boy in her class aware of the fact that she liked him. "Is
it polite to just tell him, or should I write it in a note?"
The standard procedure, far simpler and less potentially embarrassing
to both parties, is to simply strike up a conversation. As with any
friendship, the amount of enthusiasm he displays will indicate if her
interest is reciprocated, while she does not commit herself if it is
not. An affirmative reaction, however, could easily lead to a
non-romantic reason for getting together, such as lunch, a library
study session or a trip to the ice cream parlor "to compare class
notes."
The next step may be to invite him or her to some activity not far
removed from the setting in which you normally find yourselves. For
example, arrange to eat lunch, go for a walk, or study together. This
will allow the two of you to gauge your compatibility with each other
in a relaxed, casual setting, and could lead to a closer relationship,
if indicated.
None of this is actually "taking somebody out on a date," however. In
commonly accepted parlance, a "date" (meaning a possible prelude to a
romantic relationship) is when one person, usually the male, invites
the other person to some kind of evening activity, almost always
including a meal at a restaurant and some form of entertainment, such
as a movie or play. The male usually picks up the female by car and
may also meet the female's parents. If you use the above strategy, the
actual invitation to a real, formal date will have to come later.
On the other hand, some people prefer just to ask another person for a
date flat out. For example, shortly after meeting someone and deciding
that you're compatible, you might say: "Would you like to go with me
to the movies on Saturday night?" (And here you name the movie that's
playing.) "I know of a great restaurant I'd like to take you to." And
many people find it easier to ask for a first date by phone.

What do I do on a date?
But what do you talk about on a date? This is a natural concern for
many people. Most social interactions are relatively short. But, a
date traditionally occupies an entire evening! What on earth is the
shy person going to talk about for all that time?
Fortunately, it's easier than you may think. For one thing, a date is
usually centered around some sort of activity, such as going to a
dance or to the movies. This solves most of your problems for you.
During a movie, you don't have to talk about anything, and afterwards,
the movie itself serves as a topic of conversation. So the problem of
conversation becomes relatively simple. Making your first date
relatively short and centered around an activity of some sort will do
a lot to calm your nerves.
Much of your conversation will be based upon you and your date's
initial meeting. You already know something about your date, so this
makes conversation much easier; you simply base your conversation on
what you already know about him or her. Ask about a project of the
other person that came out during the previous conversation. Ask about
a problem he or she was trying to get resolved. If you've ascertained
the other person's interests, you can even do some reading up on them
before the next date so that you can impress your partner with your
knowledge of his or her interests!
If you're young, school is an excellent subject for conversation, and
can provide an endless supply of topics. If your date is employed,
work can be a good source for conversation.
Following are some additional tips for keeping the conversation going.
(These tips apply to other social situations as well):
· Discuss events in the news
Maybe the other person isn't real up on current events. But there's an
easy way to find out. When the other person says something that
reminds you of something you read or heard on the news, use this
natural tie-in and see if it gets a good reaction: (Speaking of
politics, did you hear about the new crime bill they're trying to put
into law? If the other person isn't up on current events, he or she
may really be into celebrity news or pop culture. So, study up a bit
on feature articles in newspapers and magazines before you go on the
next date.
· Talk about the situation that brought you together
The friend who introduced you or the place where the two of you met is
a perfectly natural topic of conversation.
· Talk about the present situation.
That salad looks delicious. What's in it?
Look at all the bicyclists out today! Do you enjoy riding yourself?
I'm really looking forward to that movie tonight. Have you caught any
of Arnold Schwarzenegger's previous films?
Just as important in knowing how to win a date is knowing exactly what
it is that you want from a date. Is dating for you a prelude to
marriage? If so, what is the age at which you would wish to be wed? Is
it right after high school or college? Is it somewhere far off in the
future?
Or maybe you view dating as simply an enjoyable way to spend an
evening. You might even wish to remain single--at least for the
foreseeable future. In any case, to what degree do you think sexual
relations should enter the picture? Are they something that may be
consummated before marriage, or something that should wait until only
afterwards? What are your moral, religious and philosophical beliefs
about such matters? No answer is necessarily wrong, but only once you
have reached the level of knowledge, maturity and independence that
you can make intelligent decisions about such matters. Then you will
realize that many people have sex at an early age and regret it later,
and that the only "safe" sex is, as one surgeon general put it, "with
an uninfected, mutually faithful partner." Only after you have known
somebody for quite some time can you make truly reliable judgments
about such matters.
Some people feel that dating is merely for winning sexual
gratification, a belief that is incorrect, but widespread. It is
possible for a man and a woman to enjoy each other's company without
considering either sexual relations or marriage, but in this case
their relationship will eventually be termed a "friendship" rather
than a "romance." In any event, it is important that you have a clear
idea of where you stand on these issues before you begin dating.
Choosing as dates those who have compatible goals and desires can save
the two of you much misunderstanding and disappointment later on.

How do I communiate romantic interest?
> Several times over the past years I have made contact with
> someone I am very interested in and I have
> become good friends. This is nice, however I
> was hoping for something "more," like a romantic-type
> relationship.
All right, first of all, be glad you can make friends. A lot of shy
people can't even do that, and friendships can be very valuable.
Sending out romantic signals. How to Start a Conversation and Make
Friends by Don Gabor (the audiocassette) has a lot of tips on this.
Here are some of them.
Expression: "I'd really like to get to know you better."
Body language: Warm smiles, long eye contact, affectionate touch on arm.
Communicate availability status through conversation.
Suggest dinner, attendance at a party, or a walk in the park. How
about activities with just the two of you, such as cross country
skiing through the countryside or a hike along a nature trail.
Don't push it too fast! And especially, don't push for sex. I suspect
that this is the reason most guys get the "I just want to be friends"
talk (though they might deny this). Do all the other things for
several months, even a year or more, without even once making a
reference to the two of you being boyfriend and girlfriend. Let her
suggest it.
One advantage: until she officially pronounces the two of you
"boyfriend and girlfriend" you are perfectly free to see other women.
(By "see" I mean do all the same things with them that you do with
her.)
Doesn't sound like such a bad deal to me.

For more information on this subject, visit Romance for Real People, a
large collection of articles on the "how-to" of dating by the author
of this site. (Public disclosure notice: the Romance for Real People
site is "sponsored" by the One & Only Personals Network.)

Can the Web help you make friends? At the bottom of this page is a
link to SocialNet.com, which provides free services that let people
connect with others in their own community for the most important
aspects of their lives - work, leisure, friendships and romance.
Members simply choose the type of relationship they want, then fill
out profiles about themselves and the type of person they'd like to
meet. SocialNet.com is designed to be a safe, user-friendly place to
meet someone on the Web.
I am adding this link because the service is free. I welcome your
feedback on whether SocialNet.com helps you and if I should keep the
link on this site.

Children & Shyness

How can I keep my children from becoming shy?
Shyness in very young children is very common. It does not become a
problem until the child wants or needs to interact with others but
doesn't know how to.
One cause of shyness is having parents who don't encourage their
children to speak--or maybe even discourage them from doing so. The
old adage "Children should be seen and not heard" may have been the
cause of many a case of adult shyness. Parents and other guardians who
show little interest in what their children have to say may deprive
those children of the opportunity of learning how to express
themselves effectively.
Therefore, show an interest in what your children have to say. LISTEN
to them, and encourage them to talk. Don't interrupt or finish their
sentences for them. Don't be patronizing or too quick to correct their
opinions or to disagree with them. Encourage them to join clubs and
organizations and be willing to drive them to meetings.

Understanding Shyness: Its rather long

2005-01-21T21:09:00.000+01:00

Understanding Shyness

What is shyness?
One definition of shyness is "having difficulty in creating a good
rapport with the people one meets."
For some people, the problem of shyness may simply be having trouble
thinking of things to say in social situations. For others, it may
involve crippling physical manifestations of uneasiness. For most,
shyness involves a combination of both symptoms to a greater or lesser
degree. In any event, the effects of shyness can be devastating.
Behaviors that come spontaneously for the average person (smiling,
thinking of suitable conversational topics, assuming a relaxed
posture, making good eye-contact, etc.) may simply not be an inherent
part of the shy person's makeup.
Another problem of shyness is that shy people may not know how to
behave in certain situations. Wrote Dr. Phillip G. Zimbardo, one of
the country's foremost authorities on the subject of shyness, "Some
don't have the social skills necessary for keeping the machinery of
human relationships functioning smoothly. They don't know how to start
a conversation or ask for a raise or speak up in class."
Thus, there's more to shyness than merely not knowing what to say. The
severely shy may find it difficult to do something as simple as smile
and say "hello" to someone. If they don't tend to smile easily, they
may be afraid to "force" a smile out of the subconscious fear that it
will be seen as "phony" by others.
Also, if a shy person does not have an easy smile or a ready laugh, he
may be viewed as overly serious, even humorless. According to The
Single's Almanac by Jeffrey Ullman, (1986, World Almanac
Publications,) the first thing women look at in men is the smile and
the laugh. (A comparable predisposition is reported in men's judgments
of women.)
Now let's look at some of the behavioral components of shyness:
Anxiety or lack of self-confidence around other people;
Difficulty thinking of things to say in conversation;
Lack of knowledge of expected modes of behavior for various social situations;
Absence of outgoing mannerisms such as good eye contact, an easy
smile, a relaxed posture, and so forth.
Further, the element of willpower (or the lack of it) enters into the
picture. The shy person must sometimes force himself to do such things
as go to a party or to strike up a conversation with a classmate.
These, for the shy person, can require a tremendous amount of effort.
Also, sometimes shyness can be much like a phobia-an irrational fear
that cripples our behavior. We know it's foolish to be afraid of
people. We know that people are more inclined to like us if we're
relaxed and cheerful than if we're awkward or clumsy. Still, we seem
to be predisposed somehow to behave in a certain way. Though the fear
that accompanies a "true" phobia is usually more extreme than the fear
that accompanies shyness, there do seem to be common elements. (There
is even such a thing as a true phobia of other people; it's called
anthrophobia.)

What is WRONG with shyness?
To quote one poster to alt.support.shyness:
> Shyness is not bad, it is who you are.
>
> I have noticed that there are programs to treat shyness
> as If it were a problem or a disease. Shyness is not a
> disease. The people that have the problem are the sick
> people who think there is something wrong with you if
> you are quiet or timid. Actually shy people are
> probably the most kind hearted people there are. Do
> not let anyone down you because you are shy. That's the
> way that God made you. Be thankful for it.
There is much truth to this statement. The shy are unlikely to gossip
or brag, be pushy or demanding, hostile or overbearing or overly
aggressive. They tend to make loyal friends; they work harder at
keeping a relationship going once they succeed at forming one. They
often appear more deep and thoughtful, more discreet and unassuming.
In addition, shy people are often perceived as being better listeners
(although they sometimes aren't really good listeners at all), as more
understanding and as more trustworthy. They tend to make better team
players; they aren't always struggling for control in a group
situation. They obviously don't dominate conversations, aren't
constantly talking about themselves. Indeed, the shy may have many,
many fine qualities and very few off-putting ones.
Why is it, then, that shy people do not tend to be as widely liked as
more outgoing ones? Why is it that people, generally, are not as
attracted to the shy as to the gregarious person? Why is it that, by
very definition, to be "shy" is to be "unpopular," or at least less
popular than the average?
Dr. Zimbardo surveyed nearly 5000 people over a period of four years.
This is what he concluded on the audiotape Winning Over Shyness:
"Shy people are typically not liked by as many people as they like, or
want to like them, but, in fact, are often liked by very few."
Many shy people, even some who are severely shy, see their shyness as
a positive attribute. This is a reasonable conclusion. However, the
shyer one is, the harder it is to view shyness as positive. To go
through life being unable to draw other people into warm personal
contacts-how frustrating that is! For the greatest need of human
beings aside from food, clothing and shelter is that of human
companionship. Shyness, if it is too severe, strikes at the very core
of what it means to be human-the ability to make that vital human
connection with others.
Not all aspects of being shy are bad. The bottom line is, there is
nothing wrong with shyness, EXCEPT to the degree that it keeps one
from meeting the people one wants to meet or doing the things one
wants to do.

How do "non-shy" people regard the shy person?
Actually the term "non-shy" is a misnomer. There is no one who never
feels shy. But we'll use this term to describe people who are USUALLY
outgoing.
In fact, it seems that while the warmth of outgoing people may cause
them to be liked by most of the people they come into contact with,
people all too often seem to respond to those who are too shy with
aloofness or even disdain.
Some shy people come to feel as if there is something "wrong" with
them, as if somehow they are not as important or as worthwhile as the
more outgoing people around them. Said one shy person, "it's
frustrating to try to be a good person, yet still to be disliked
because of your shyness." And unfortunately, the one "negative" trait
of shyness can easily offset a dozen other fine qualities in people's
minds-especially if that negative trait keeps people from seeing the
other, more positive traits.
Gerald M. Phillips, professor of Speech Communications at Pennsylvania
State University, writes in his book, Help for Shy People, that many
people simply see shyness as a form of incompetence, and shy people as
boring and uninviting. "If people do not talk," he writes, "we read it
as a sign that we should leave them alone. We talk to those who can
reward us and never even notice the others."
The problem is NOT that shyness is so awful. The problem is that the
average person THINKS that shyness is so awful! Unfortunately, shy
people are often labeled as "stuck up," "humorless,""awkward," or
"boring." Often, even shy people would rather hang out with people who
are more outgoing.
A post on an AOL message board:
> I hate how extroverted people get so damn uncomfortable
> around introverts at parties and then act like it's YOUR
> fault they don't know how to act around someone who is
> quieter than they are. ("You're so quiet!") One must feel
> sorry for them, actually...it's the human thing to do.
A good answer to this question is, "Well, what would you like to talk about?"
This answer will probably be met with stunned silence, because the
other person implies with this question that you are unfriendly, and
this answer points out that HE must have been "unfriendly" too! It
also proves that you CAN'T be unfriendly, because you're inviting him
to a conversation!
If there is another thing about the shy person that can cause people
to avoid him or her, it is simply this: being around shy people often
makes people feel shy themselves!
Research conducted by psychologist Avril Thorne, and reported in The
Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, verified this
phenomenon. When Thorne put introverts and extroverts together, she
found that personality differences between the two types diminished.
Without the necessary feedback from their companions, many extroverts
find themselves at a loss for words as well. Even those who pride
themselves on being "outgoing" may feel "shy" when around the very shy
person. They may begin to stammer, to stutter, to fumble for words-in
short, to display the very same reactions that the shy themselves
exhibit. How precarious extroversion can be!
In recent years, there has been a greater and greater awareness of
this phenomenon. As psychologist Elaine Hatfield, Ph.D., quoted in
Self magazine put it: "The whole study of contagion and emotions is
exploding. It's totally unconscious, and it's amazing how fast it
happens."
Quite simply, "extroverts" can feel the awkwardness, the uneasiness,
of not knowing, themselves, what to say around a shy person. And they
dislike this feeling-just as much as anyone else does. In short, even
those who pride themselves on being outgoing may "become" shy when
around shy people. And so the best way to avoid these feelings, quite
often, is to simply avoid those who make them feel this way!
Shy people have a tougher time making friends, going on dates, even
getting a good job! Perhaps it wouldn't be so bad if people weren't so
judgmental of shy people, but they are. That's why seriously shy
people have to change. Because society as a whole will not!

Should I tell people I'm shy?
People may suggest, with the best of intentions, that you tell
everyone you meet that you are shy. The idea is to bring about better
understanding between yourself and others by letting them know that
you are not unfriendly, and that they are supposed to be sympathetic
towards you.
But is this good advice? Actually, it depends on the individual. If
people normally see you as cold and aloof, saying something like,
"Parties like this really make me feel shy," can indeed bring about
better understanding. Unfortunately, with people who tend to view
introverts as simply less interesting than extroverts, an admission of
being shy will be unlikely to bring about a spirit of empathy.
Sometimes, I think that telling people you are shy is the worst thing
you can do. It sets up the expectation in other people's minds that
you are "difficult to talk to." It can become a self-fulfilling
prophecy.
I think more important than telling everybody you are shy is to become
so adept at striking up conversations that people will no longer have
any reason to accuse you of being unfriendly!

Is shyness inborn or something that's learned?
There is evidence that a biological tendency towards shyness may be
inherited from our parents; in other words, there may be a genetic
component to shyness.
One of the foremost researchers into the biological basis of shyness,
Harvard psychologist Jerome Kagan, came across information showing
that shyness in adults could often be traced as far back as the age of
three.
Skeptics thought that children might have had ample time to pick up
the trait of shyness from their environment by that age. So, to
determine whether the trait might have emerged before it could have
been learned, Kagan and his colleague, Steven J. Reznick, embarked on
a study of two-year olds. Even at that age, they found two widely
different personality types; roughly 25 percent of the children were
bold, while 20 percent were timid and wary.
Still, not all critics thought the studies were conclusive, since even
by the age of two the children might have had time to "learn" shy
behaviors. So Kagan embarked on yet another study, this time examining
infants as young as four months old, and again the two temperaments
emerged. Kagan theorized that there might be fundamental differences
in the nervous systems of the timid and confident infants. In other
words, brain physiology seemed to predispose certain people to
shyness.
As the children grew, their timidity displayed itself in predictable
ways. In play groups at 7 1/2, for example, the shy children played by
themselves, while the more outgoing children played together in
groups.
Further evidence for a congenital link to shyness was found in studies
by other researchers that show that identical twins (who have
identical genes) are more likely to share shyness than fraternal twins
(who are no more alike than other siblings).
This is not to say that shyness has a biological basis in all people.
In fact, according to Kagan's studies, only about one third of all
extremely inhibited children seem to have a genetic predisposition to
shyness.
But even for those of us whose shyness has a biological basis, this
doesn't mean that it is not within our ability to change. It is
important to emphasize that even those without an inborn tendency
toward extroversion can learn to become more extroverted, just as
someone without an inborn skill at art can learn to draw or paint well
if he or she possesses the drive and puts forth the effort required to
do so. Biology is not the same as fate. The shy person is not destined
to suffer a lifetime of shyness.
The point here, rather, is that the shy person must not blame herself,
something she did or failed to do, for her shyness. Wallowing in a
pool of self-condemnation will not help the problem. Nor will blaming
the whole thing on one's upbringing or parents. The shy person didn't
choose to be shy, nor is her shyness necessarily a result of something
she did or did not do during childhood or while growing up. Shyness is
simply a natural reaction to unfamiliar situations.

Is shyness a form of low self-esteem?
Contrary to popular belief, not all shy people suffer from inferiority
complexes or low self-esteem. Shyness is a very specific way of
responding to a particular type of situation. Of course, shy people
may eventually develop feelings of inferiority in the area of human
relations, but here the low self esteem is the result of shyness, not
the cause of it.
This is not to say that no shy people suffer from an inferiority
complex. But feelings of inferiority or low self-esteem are far from
the exclusive domain of shy people.

Is shyness a form of selfishness?
One poster to alt.support.shyness wrote:
> I wouldn't label shyness bad. But there is a selfish aspect
> of shyness. I had never thought of being shy as being
> selfish, until I read an article about it. I had to agree
> after reflecting that it can be because we're so concerned
> about ourselves and how other see us. We don't share
> ourselves and this is selfish. We can't just take from
> other people, we need (I need) to learn to share part of me
> too.
"We're so concerned about ourselves and how other see us?" Doesn't
this describe everyone? How often have you heard, "Don't worry about
your shyness; everyone is too concerned with themselves to notice that
you're shy."
I have heard this "selfishness" argument before, too, and I think it
is a slur against shy people. Perhaps the intentions are good: a way
to "shame" people out of their shyness. But it is based on a false
assumption, and therefore, it won't work. Besides, have you ever heard
of someone being "shamed" out of a psychological problem?
More and more evidence is showing that shyness is an inborn trait in
some people. Furthermore, to a large degree, shyness stems from
difficulty in "thinking of things to say" to people. This is why the
nervousness kicks in. Some people are natural born raconteurs, others
are not. So why blame someone because they lack a certain skill and
call it "selfishness?" In my own experience, I have found that non-shy
people are very judgmental of shy people.

How can I tell if I'm shy?
Here's a quiz to gauge your level of shyness:
To use this quiz, rate your answer to each question according to the
scale below:
Write "0" next to the question if the answer is "never."
Write "1" next to the question if the answer is "seldom."
Write "2" next to the question if the answer is "sometimes."
Write "3" next to the question if the answer is "often."
Write "4" next to the question if the answer is "always."
This is not a scientific inventory, but it may help you pinpoint the
specific problems shyness causes you.
1. Do you feel anxious around new people?
2. Is it a struggle for you sometimes to think of things to say to a
new acquaintance?
3. Is it difficult for you to keep a conversation going once it's been started?
4. Do you ever trip over your tongue or stammer when trying to talk to
someone you don't know well?
5. How often do you feel you have little in common with the people you meet?
6. Do you ever have trouble talking even to people who share your interests?
7. Do you sometimes become tongue-tied even when you were sure you had
something to say?
8. Do you ever think of a conversational topic after the opportunity
to use it has passed?
9. Do you ever feel like you're not a "member of the gang" when you're
with a group of associates?
10. Do you feel that people consider you as serious, cold, aloof?
11. Do you tend to avoid parties because you often end up sitting by yourself?
12. Do you feel guilty when you try to behave in a more outgoing
manner-as if you're somehow being phony, or not expressing "the real
you?"
13. Do you have trouble speaking in front of groups?
14. Do you find that other people more often remember your name than
you remember theirs?
15. Do you fail to have as expressive, confident-sounding voice as you
would like?
16. Do you fail to smile or laugh as often as you would like?
17. Do you ever stand stiffly or fail to look relaxed when around other people?
18. Do you have trouble making as much eye-contact as you feel you should?
19. Do you have difficulty making friends?
20. Do you go out on fewer dates than you would like?
21. Does talking to a member of the opposite sex cause you anxiety?
22. Does talking to a handsome or pretty member of the opposite sex
cause you anxiety?
23. Do you have trouble asserting yourself when somebody tries to take
advantage of you?
24. Do you have trouble knowing how to respond when somebody makes a
wisecrack or smart-alecky remark at your expense?
25. Does asking a favor of others cause you difficulty?
26. Do you have difficulty refusing requests of you for favors?
27. Do you have difficulty giving or receiving compliments?
28. Do you sometimes have trouble knowing how to end a conversation gracefully?
29. Do you feel most people just have a compulsion to fill silence
with empty chatter?
30. Do you believe that the more you talk, the more chance you'll have
of saying something foolish, so it's better to be silent so people
will just assume you're intelligent?
SCORING: It is possible to score as high as 120 on this quiz and as
low as 0, the higher the score, the greater being the degree of
shyness. Very few, if any, people will score perfectly at either of
the two extremes. Still, the higher your score is, the more
concentration you will have to devote to overcoming your shyness. This
quiz is for determining not only your shyness level, but for getting a
handle on exactly what areas of shyness are a problem for you, so that
you can begin to go about working on those aspects of your shyness.

What is the difference between shyness and introversion?
According to one dictionary, an introvert is "a person more interested
in his own mental life than in the world around him." Another defines
introversion as "directing one's interests upon oneself rather than
external objects or events" while an extrovert is "a person whose
interest is more in his environment and in other people than in
himself."
To me, these definitions seem a little unfair. They make the trait of
introversion sound like one of narrow-mindedness and self-absorption.
But many of the world's greatest thinkers are said to have been
self-conscious or introverted: Charles Darwin, Thomas Carlyle, Sir
Isaac Newton, Michael Faraday, Cezanne, Pestalozzi, Martin Luther and
Albert Einstein among them. In reality, an extrovert can be extremely
self-centered, while an introvert can be quite altruistic. It all
depends on the individual.
"Introversion" is also often used as a synonym for shyness. But there
are important differences between the two personality types.
Introverts enjoy solitude, and may be perfectly happy by themselves,
with no desire to form new relationships. Shy people, on the other
hand, often desperately want to be closer to other people, but are
afraid, or don't know how.
Unlike introversion, I don't think shyness is ever a preferred way of
life, if you accept the definition of shyness as meaning "awkwardness
in the company of others," because nobody likes to feel awkward. And
few people could, or would want to, completely avoid being in the
company of other people. In short, introversion is when one prefers
solitude. Shyness is when one is FORCED into it.
Of course, an introvert may have elements of shyness, and a shy person
may have elements of introversion. But in their purest forms, being
"shy" and being an "introvert" are quite different from one another.
It is possible for a person to be an introvert but to not really be
shy; that is, to be one who enjoys solitude but has no trouble
interacting with other people when the situation calls for it. It is
also possible to be shy without really being an introvert; that is, to
enjoy other people's company more than one's own, but to not really
know how to go about gaining it.
And, according to Dr. Zimbardo, there are even such things as shy
extroverts. These are people who are able to carry on conversation
with others, to become accepted and even popular, but always feel a
certain amount of nervousness around people anyway. Though they know
theoretically how to be outgoing, overcoming their natural tendency
toward "butterflies" is still a struggle for them. Public figures who
have called themselves shy include Johnny Carson, John Travolta, Carol
Burnett, Jimmy and Rosalynn Carter and even Elizabeth Taylor. This is,
however, the least severe form of shyness. How you feel inside when
dealing with others is far less important than how you appear
externally. If you can act outgoing, then other people will accept you
as outgoing, and your internal state will matter little in gaining the
rewards that extroversion brings.
What is the difference between shyness & social phobia?
Generally speaking, the component of anxiety is much greater in people
with social phobia than it is with shyness. Social phobics tend to
avoid social situations to a greater extreme than shy people do. A
social phobic may not be able to get themselves to go to a party,
while a shy person may be able to go but may end up sitting alone for
most of the evening.
People with social phobia, however, can be quite comfortable and seem
outgoing in certain social situations, while avoiding or feeling
intense anxiety in others.
In other words, the fear factor of social phobia seems to be more
intense than it is with shyness, but shyness seems to be made up of
more components, such as having dificulty smiling, making eye contact
or knowing what to say to new acquaintances.

What is the hardest part of shyness to overcome?
This is a difficult question to answer, because everyone's shyness is
different. The most difficult thing may be assuming the mannerisms
that outgoing people possess, such as a relaxed open posture, good eye
contact, an expressive, confident sounding voice, an easy smile, and
so on. This may be because mannerisms are largely controlled by the
nervous system, rather than the conscious mind.
Writes one A.S.S poster:
> According to one newspaper motivational columnist, humans
> communicate "72,000 impressions per minute." These impressions
> consist of our words, our body movements, the retinas of our eyes
> changing, the pheromones we emit, and much more. This gets at the
> crux of why I think shyness is so incredibly difficult to
> overcome.
>
> Although I don't necessarily agree with that "72,000" number, the
> fact is that we do send out an awful lot of signals about our
> internal state to others. The problem is, these signals are all
> unconscious! That must explain why my shyness is so difficult to
> overcome. How do you change something you don't even know
> you're doing?
However, there is one technique that may help somewhat with this. See
the section on visualization later in this FAQ.

What problems do shy people have on the job?
Unfortunately, mastering the skills necessary for gaining employment
in a good job can be especially challenging for shy people.
Interviewing, calling up potential employers, and schmoozing with
company representatives at career seminars and job fairs all require a
good degree of poise, self-confidence, verbal skill and ease around
others. Even more demanding is what is known as aggressive job
hunting, which can be far more effective than "traditional"
job-hunting techniques, but entails even greater contact with
potential employers.
Unfortunately, statistics also show that shy people tend to have more
trouble than extroverts advancing on the job, even when they do
succeed in getting one. Says Dr. Jonathan Cheek, author of Conquering
Shyness; The Battle anyone Can Win, "Underemployment-being stuck in a
job that requires less skill or training than you possess-uneasy work
relationships, and slower advancement mark the careers of shy people."
Dr. Cheek points to research done at the University of Tulsa in
Oklahoma that shows that the shyer a person is, the less prestigious
his last job title tends to be. Concludes Dr. Cheek, "Almost every
lucrative career requires solid communication skills, an assertive
personality, and an astute sense of office politics."
In addition, some shy people report being subjected to excessive
criticism or "hazing" on the job by their co-workers, and even
sometimes by their supervisors. A survey in 1998 by the International
Labor Office, in trying to explain the rash of episodes of workplace
violence, found that "workplace bullying" was one factor. This can
include shouting at subordinates or co-workers, insistence that all
work be done the bully's way, or punishment through constant
criticism, no matter how competent the worker. Shy people, due to
their lack of popularity and assertiveness, may be especially
susceptible to this kind of treatment.

Understanding Shyness: Its rather long

2005-01-21T21:07:00.000+01:00